Feeling Reflective

Today I am feeling reflective.

You have told me before when we talk electronically that you did not want to get into deep and reflective conversations with me. You wanted to keep the past firmly in the past.  Good attitude; but for me you are not the past.

As I said before part of me belongs to you.  I don't say this to flatter your ego; I say it because it is fact for me.

You say I compartment my life, but it's really you who does that.

For me life is abstract; time is immaterial, it simply fixes who was with whom at a particular instant in their lives.

Intensity and depth of feeling is what stays in our souls; these feelings do not go away, the simply overwhelm us one day.  We then bury them deep inside us until we are ready to deal with them. 

Many come into our lives and evoke differing emotions in us.  These evoked emotions give us different prospectives on the emotions we felt before and cause us to react differently to feeling we had before and what we will feel in the future

They say that time heals; it doesn't you know, it just allows us to have different experiences in order that we may evolve and change prospective.

All my love xx

30 November 2012

Hope U are ok with this

Hi Honor

Are u ok? This chat getting a bit hectic and intense ( my fault partly Why partly, if you are going catholic go the whole hog).. Do u mind if we calm it down a bit ... I'm struggling to keep up. I hope U are ok with this

I hope things are alright over there and trip is as u had hoped.

loadsluvX

DearX

You are right. A combination of sun, warm weather, scant clothing and not having a structured life means I have too much time for unimportant chat.

It is intense, because passion is intense. What I write is not chat, it is how I really feel. I am sharing my feelings you with because I choose to and its my gift to you; you can accept this gift or rejected - your choice.  You are unwilling to trust me with yours and you don't feel the need to make me understand you. You share only your fantasies, not what's in your heart. You already said you didn't want to share that part of yourself with me and that's fine.

 

You are not sure what you want from me nor what you are willing to give me and that's fine too.

Each person is at a different crossroads in their life.

As I said before, our souls and our bodies belong to us only.  How we choose to share these two things is entirely up to each of us. Sharing shows a generous spirit and a willingness to grow; a fearlessness to discover the unknown self. Shame and guilt are man made, and in each social sphere this differs according to how another wants to control (you should know, you wrote an article about society). I am a social being and because of my conditioning, I am supposed to feel ashamed and guilty for feeling the way I do about you.  But I want to be open and vulnerable, and show you who I am; despite the time we spent together, you don't really know me.   How I feel about you, is a reflection of how I feel about myself. 

Having said that, we are not at liberty to deliberately hurt others who come into our lives, whether they be important to us or not; another does not perceive as I do. Each person must decide for themselves who is important to them and how an interaction will effect them, and come or part from the other because it is what is right for them to do.

You are an important  part of my life and I want to understand you. In understanding you and the feelings I have for you, I may begin to understand that part of me that belongs to you.

I am on a journey of self discovery and find that I am a complex and interesting being; this week has been a Thelma and Louise week for me (yours was the Brad Pitt part, so I don't think you have much to complain about there!).

I have learnt a few things this week;

• I have discovered that I don't really want to be a nun
• That I am intensely sensual
• That it is OK to have carnal and other feelings for you; I don't have to be ashamed or embarrassed
• That the physical relationship we ad together was very special and it binds me to you and that I am lucky to have had that in my life
  
• That intimacy is about sharing (something you instinctively know)
  
• That you don't feel the same way I do because you are not me
• That I am a free spirit with a unique view point 
• That I can be very heavy duty sometimes

I think I am glad that you came into my life again; it has caused me to be sad at times, but it's OK to be sad.  You have reminded me how to be woman again, and for that I am grateful maybe. I was angry about that before, but I'm not so angry any more.  I am Woman and I can not deny that part of myself so I may as well stop sticking my head in the sand and beating myself up about it.

I know that you are in grey London, you have to commute, work, consider what's in your life and deal with children. It all takes time and energy. What I don't understand is what being 'OK with this means' but whatever it means to you, its OK with me. 

We will 'be' whatever our souls allow. I cannot control or anticipate how you feel about me and any way,  I'm not about control. I can only respond and react as generously, kindly, honestly, spontaneously and as affectionately as I feel. I Don't do faults; that's for the morally superior.

I do hope we have fun together because fun has been been missing from my life and perhaps from yours too? 

Please don't mind my naughtiness and sense of humour, I don't mean any harm; what can I say, I can't help myself; I was born that way! 

All my love xx

Written on 17 November

Genetic disease

I said I am optimistic and resilient.  Well that me is falling apart and disintegrating.

I am so sad and heart broken; I feel like a teen.  The water work are doing overtime.

I can not believe how stupid, irrational and totally embarrassing and idiotic I am.

Lust and a vague thought of imagined love have made me humiliate myself to the wanker I call ex. 

And they  say being woman is good. 

If my feelings for him had not surfaced, then I would not be in this position.  It is consuming all my thinking time and compromising any respect I have for myself. 

I met him again;  he is messing around with my head.  As if I needed another man to do this to me.  He is loves the attention; pretends to be noble about  faithfulness and all that crap. 

And I am unable to rationally see him for the wanker that he is.  Driving myself crazy thinking, was he messing  when we were?

I think I have scared him away; I doubt  I will hear from him again.  Smug little git that he is. 

Email is lethal for having rambling monologues with exes.

I want to become robot again, have no Internet so I do not humiliate myself again.  I keep promising myself  'I will be disciplined and dignified' but  fail miserably.

Nothing is simple in life.

Lots of change  and bravery is deserting me.   I am sad and upset about never having been loved by a man. 

Not a good week.  Can't believe what a pessimistic moaner I have become.  And the sadness is crushing my very soul.  Bummer.

Lots more moaning possible, but bored myself already.  Wish I could rub the imprint of that man out of my cells; he is like a genetic disease that has decided to manifest itself.

Pray for the old me to win the day.

All my love xx

Black, White, Red

You say she says you are black and white.

I say I am full of colour.

Shall I become grey to suit her description,

Or will you become technicolor?

She is right, she knows you well.

Me, I'm full of pain - and pain has all the colours, including the colour passion.

You say passion is good, but you can not know it because you are colour blind; you are black and white, you said she said so.

Being  WOMAN, I am colour; I know that passion is Red.

And now I am Red.

I am  RED.  I am ANGRY.

You see time as linear and you say that we were long ago; do you feel safe in your distance? 

You see yourself apart, but you are not, because a part of you belongs to me.  Is that part of me that belongs to you vital organ or is it limb?  I wonder.

I want that part that belongs amputated and cut away.  Like you I had thought it had died long, long, ago, but I was wrong; it only took one look and it lives again.

Will I die or will I live when you go? Will I become androgynous or will I stay woman, broken and open abuse?

Anyway you look at it, I am damaged goods.

All my love xx

Passion

Today I have decide that you do not belong in my life.

When we met on Wednesday you hinted that you wanted me in your life.  You also said that passion is important.  You said you were happily with another and you started to tell me her anecdotes.  You relaxed and said that a long time has passed since we were. 

You still do not know that I am woman, and woman can not share; time has no measure; numbers are arbitrary.

You show no passion for me, and you can not love her. 

You are prepared to be intimate with me.  You did not say it in so many words, but you kissed me on the lips when you said goodbye.

Did you sleep with others when we were?  I say that I am not jealous; I am woman and I lie to seem brave.

When we parted you said that you had to think and make decisions.

I am not a book that you read and then write one of your meaningless critiques on and make decisions about.  I AM WOMAN.  Anyway, I know that you do not know how to read woman; it's a hard book for you to understand.

So why lie and say that passion is important, or is it that I do not inspire it, so I am unimportant, never were and never will be?

It is just chemistry with you.  You will not be blame for making you do what you say you do not want to do. 

I hope I can stick to my decision, the decision I make with my head.  I do not want to be woman.  It's hurtful.

Ingrained

Dear ex

I have become quite depressed about our chance meeting.

Prior to that, I had hardy thought of you. 

Perhaps my relationship to you is entirely binding, like that of a father, mother or sibling.  No matter how uncomfortable or sad it makes me, and no matter how much I want it not to be in my life, it is a fact of me.  And no matter how long ago that it happened, you are ingrained in me on a cellular level.

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE INAPPROPRIATE.

THE MALAISE I FEEL IS BECOMING QUITE CRUSHING.

I must find an appropriate place for it.

All my love xx

Innocent bystander

What are you up to Mr Man?

I was perfectly fine, minding my own business and out of the blue, you started invading my dreams.  You came in the night and you were tender, gentle and sweet. I felt you; I touched you; I looked into your eyes.  You felt real but you were just a dream; you let me be in my waking time.

And then, not satisfied with being the shadowy  man from the past, you made yourself real.

I had become androgynous, happy and satisfied in my hermaphrodite state.  I was whole, self sufficient.  No part of me was missing; I was father, mother, friend and lover; I needed no one.  I was the nun I have always longed to be.

As well you know, my track record as WOMAN is littered with failure.  Meeting the real you demanded that I become woman again; sensual, vulnerable, needy; all the hurtful things I never want to be.  I am angry about that.

I can not remember the past with my head as you do; it is my body that remembers; every cell resonates with the intense sexuality that is you; a sexuality  that I was sure the menopausal me would never, ever have to long for again. And that, as you may eloquently put it, is not nice, nor lady like.

Dam you, why did you have to do this to me?  Is it your revenge because I left?   Or are you are simply the innocent bystander in all of this, with a life and body that bears no relation to who or what I am. 

Why do I feel compelled to make you see who I am?  Is it because I am woman again and this makes me irrational. 

Please do not judge me; it's simply the way I feel.


All my love xx

Invasion

He entered my dreams and took charge of my sleep - why now after 20 years, I do not know.  He came into my subconscious.  He was tender and sweet.  The night was his and the day was mine to do with as I pleased.

Then suddenly, out of the blue, we met.

He is no longer content being my dream.  He came to me one more time in my sleep but he could no longer make love to me.

Now the night is mine and the day is his.

He lives in my conscious; he invades my every waking thought; he resides in every part of me.

He ignores me; there is no tenderness in his tone.

Mr Right

I have gradually come to the realisation that I have already met Mr Right.

I simply did not recognise him before because, like the holly trinity, he resides in three different places over three different decades.

First he came in the guise of a self evading man laking in confidence with himself but very confident in me. He was my first love.

Then he grew in physical stature and he became confident in himself, but he was never sure of me. His burning ambition blinded him to my  feelings and that made him vulnerable.

Having never been loved for who I am, I mistook obsessiveness for love.  So when he showed his third self, I mistook his possessiveness for love.

So Mr Right is never right. He simply wants to posses me and make me into his idea of me.  He never loved me for who I am .

And that can never be right.

Guru-ism

I am not sure why our chance meeting happened when it did, but what surprised me is the unresolved thoughts and feelings it threw up for me, thoughts and feelings that are alien to where I am now. Our lives are so very different and apart that I am puzzled by the reaction that it provoked in me. But then, there is my theory about time.

This past three years many of the significant relationships of my life have come into focus and I have been forced to understand the Me of the past 50 odd years, so maybe it's an age thing.

I discovered this about myself; That I am beautiful and funny, without much ego and with a lot of compassion, a generous spirit with a huge capacity to forgive and love; That I am resilient, optimistic and far from the ordinary. I also discovered that every person's perception of another is unique to their view point of the world and you can only touch another in the way their view point allows them.

When we met you were warm and seemed genuinely delighted to see me. But perhaps when you thought about it you decided that warmth and delight were inappropriate and it was not what you meant to communicate.

Or perhaps your life is busy and full and you already have all the people you need in it. Or maybe you are afraid of me and think that I want something from you so you are wary and guarded. You may simply think me a bore. It is all supposition and real, creative and nurturing friendship can not be built on mistrust or ego.

It maybe that in reality there was never friendship; when we met you said something that was very telling; you said you were grateful to me because I gave your career a start. It is sad for me to be perceived as the Patron Saint of Careers but that is just my ego being hurt (I am a sensitive little flower). It would have done my soul good to think that I contributed more than that to your life's journey. But as I say, you can only touch the lives of others in away that their own perception allows.

Of course nothing is black and white and there are many shades of grey, so how we feel about something and someone is complex and multi layered and cannot always be defined.

Little Man you will always be an important part of my soul's journey; I can not change this, it is what happened. There is much about you that is endearing; your boyish enthusiasm is infectious, your self belief, your determination to impress the world, your beautiful voice these are some of the things I see and feel when I think of you. And that makes me smile. Although our lives are very different, and what is in focus now must take precedence over what was, for me this does not mean I must exclude the love and friendship I felt in the past, be it real or imagined; it simply means that I must carry these feelings in my present in their proper prospective. And this gives me access to a great deal.

Why am I telling you all this and what the fuck does it have to do with you? Nothing really; it all has to do with me. I am trying to get clarity in my perception of what was. I do not want to become a cynic and as much as I like to think that I am ego-less, there is still a part of me that wants to be acknowledged. So I guess I am along way from being a guru, but I am making good headway. And hey, just as I must feel glad that you see me as the Patron Saint of  Careers (because your career really matters to you), please feel glad  that you are helping me in my quest for guru-ship.

No more crap. Promise. Next enlightenment I'll flick one the switch on my own.

All my love xx

Being Scientific

Being a resourceful sort of a girl, I have decided that at this point in time I must be quite scientific about life in order that I may get a better handle on it. See it's all very well being a witch and all that, but in the end science really gives more weight and credibility to events. And if I am being honest, I find science much more imaginative and creative than mumbo jumbo. It really is the way to go. It is a well know fact that time is not linear, and what can I say from first hand experience is, that time is a four dimensional thing. Anybody who has read the most basic scientific literture knows that it is agreed that energy is never created nor destroyed; it simply changes form. Same goes for matter. We are physical and emotional vibrating matter. Now here is how my theory goes; our physical being is made up of an orderly pattern, the molecules and atoms vibrating within its lattice framework. Same thing with our emotional being (aka the soul), it's made up in exactly the same way, only the vibrational energy levels between the the molecules and atoms is different. The whole world and every matter in it is made up of exactly the same basic components, only difference is how things are arranged and what their vibrational speed is. So vibrational speed is so very important 'cause it creates diversity and can change our very souls. While we are alive, the physical and emotional lattices somehow super impose themselves one over the other and they make a living person. We know that the vibration of matter can be influenced by a variety of external force; heat, gravitational pull etc, etc etc. The physical lattice is made up of matter that influence how we look, our sexual preference and all other things that our genes give us. It is a pretty well sequenced lattice (our DNA) and it's vibrational rates only change and modify as liner time goes by (baby, toddler,young adult and so on). I know I said that time is non linear, but until they discover the elixir of youth, then the four dimensional thing relates only to the second lattice, the emotional lattices. The emotional lattice aka the soul is not so well defined or sequenced. It changes, grows and contracts and is a much more complex lattice. Its order is influenced by other souls that impose and imprint vibrational energy on us. This interaction of the energies leaves its imprint and the addition to our soul is inevitable and undeniably.  Of course there is greater resonance and harmony (our natural natural state of being) when the natural vibration of one soul is amplified and is in phase with another (to use a scientific term, simple harmonic motion) Everyone in our lives makes our soul grow in some way or the other and changes the structure of our lattice. And here's how the four dimensional thing works; we are possessors of our own soul and we can access any part of that soul anytime we feel the need to, so we can travel back and forth in time whenever the mood takes us. We can choose to bring to the surface or push down any soul experience we had. We can, if we have a mind to it, alter our prospective because of what other experiences have brought to our soul and release molecules and particles when the time is right(like boiling water turning to steam).   I did not open the email you sent me. I dread the phrase 'best wishes'. While it displays decorum and formality of Professional  Of The Year, it lacks the simplicity and elegance of a soul connection. I think I'll do time travel and stay friends with boyish, enthusiastic, singing Boy. Professional of the year Boy, well he is scary and who knows what he has up his sleeve. At one time it was 'Best Wish' and 'I can't hear you'; it may develop into 'Regards' and 'Yours Sincerely'. Do I want that imprinted on my soul? Hell no; I'd rather drink four pints of cold goat's milk! All my love xx

Abuse

I am an abused woman.  I have been abused all my life.

The ones I trusted most were the ones who caused the hurt.  I hope the future is bright for me.  I can no longer bear the hurt.

Someone once said they wished they could be me.

Someone else said that I was a swan, serene to look at,  paddling furiously to stay afloat. Someone knows me better than I know myself.  How sad is that
xx

Ode to fame

I look @ your website and all I can see
Collaboration with others but nothing of me
How sad the past looks, especially for me

Was I really a lover or just a stepping stone
The truth I fear shall never be known

Consumed with burning ambition, you forgot about me

You broke my heart without really knowing
The sadness I feel is now what's showing

The benefactress xx

EDIT DELETE

There is a lot of melancholy in my heart  and it has to do with  meeting of  man from the past.

But I can not be depressed or sad for any length of time; I am a natural optimist and find depression very tedious. It does not take much to lift my spirit, so I am often content. I am strong and resilient; I am ever grateful for whom ever made me this way.

As I get older, I hardly understand the point of life; I don't mean this in a negative or suicidal way, but in the way that life is so transient. I really don't get it at all. It takes so many life experiences to shape us into who we are and the instance in our life  we should have valued and did not realize were precious are momentary and cannot often be recaptured. And in any case, they may have very little value to us now.

The certainty of youth has gone, and the only certainty I now have is that I am simply an observer of a collection of events which, to a large extent, I cannot control.

I wish life was like Word where I could, at the touch of a button, cut and paste, copy edit or delete. Or like RAM, Random Access Memory, where I can dip into the part that suit my mode.  But it isn't so what can I do?

Just wait and see how it pans out xx

Chance Meeting

Chance meetings present opportunity to resolve the past and form new friendship.

We are all different; what we are today is not what we were before nor how we will be tomorrow. No one knows what another is, what another thinks, what another feels; what their sadness is, what their happiness is, what fills their waking day.

Our feelings are not right or wrong, they are how our soul respond to another. We can choose to express them and if another has a mind to it, they can choose to either respond or ignore.

The chance for friendship came but the opportunity has been lost. This makes melancholy and sad.

Hope thing go well for you.

All my love xx

Resolved

I think I've just about cracked it. 

I know the secret of the universe.

I have conducted a suspenseful, and sometime very intense relationship, all in my head. All I needed to do was to aparate a man for a short while (I think the physical interaction lasted approx ¾ hr), then I managed to have a very personal  and carnal relationship with him by simply dreaming him, and, vola, nearly 6 months later, I believe I managed to work through a challenging relationship without involving anyone but myself. My head is never dull.

I am so ready to discard him. I haven't got time for all this nonsense

Bravo, Bravo, Bravo.

Now I can discard him, as he deserves to be discarded. You're safe home counties boy. You don't deserve me because you never appreciated me. Go forth and be famous!

 The turning point? Ignored and then acknowledged only because you thought I might still be the patron saint of careers. How true to type you are !

xx

14 April 2012

Spring clean

How shall I start the day?

Today I have decided to become fearless and brave, like the warrior Goddess Athena.

I am not sure where to start though. 

Shall I rush from universe to universe in search of utopia? Or maybe I shall ease myself into my golden age by doing a spot of tiding up and cleaning? I love cleaning, it's so totally absorbing and productive. Clear away the cobwebs. And since I am fearless and brave, no job will be too hard for me to tackle. I shall whizz through the grim and dirt like superwoman with her red cape. And when the fumes of bleach and Cif totally intoxicate my brain, and I become tired through physical exhaustion, I shan't really care about parallel universes.

And that is a really good start xx
06 April 2012

Final Notice

I guess I have used up our time for knowing one another.  Time's up for this life time.  Our chance meeting was just that.  When you said you were glad to see me again, you really did not mean.  I am sad about that.  In retrospect I wish I had used the past wisely. Still hindsight is hindsight and will not resolve my present.

I wish you all you wish for yourself; plenty of fame and celebrity.

Me, I am writing a book, it has a lot about you in it. Pure fiction? Maybe. Follow it's progress in cyberspace if you dare.

All my love

Honor Sterling xx

08 April 2012

Follow me in cyberspace

www.honorsgrain.blogspot.com

The real goodbye

Happy Birthday

Today is the last day in which I shall contact you, and then I will becomes as unknown to you as I have been for the last 20 years. When we met, almost a year ago now, you were superficial and you said how glad you were to see me and how now that you found me you would never lose me again. And maybe in your home counties ways you believed what you said at the time and perhaps you really wanted to known me in a superficial and meaningless way. Or maybe you were being polite cause you were caught unawares and that's what home counties boys do, they say what they don't mean. You were so grateful to me for giving your career a jump start blah blah blah . For fuck sake, I was your lover, not the patron saint of careers...

Maybe when you remembered me better you got angry with me or maybe I scare you; maybe I bore you, or maybe you think I'm sad. Or maybe you just wonder whatever did I see in that old bag. Maybe your life is just fine because of who you have in it and maybe you just want me to fuck off and you don't need the agro in your life..

Who knows what another is, what another thinks, what another feels; what their sadness is what their happiness is, what fills their waking time.

To be honest, my whole being simply over reacted at seeing you that day. It fair did my head in and took me to places where no one my age should have to go. Still, as hard as we try, we simply can't help how we feel sometimes. Was I with the right man at the wrong time? My neck hurts form having looked back so much this past year.

And what the fuck am I talking about anyway, I was the bitch who left in the first place; but it didn't take you long for you to get over your broken heart. 6 weeks max? What does it matter anyway, it was, long, long ago, so why are my feelings so raw now? This is getting boring and it really isn't your problem anyway.

So what to do now?

Well I think I might just become a guru. I'll go out there into the world and do my guruing here, there and everywhere. I can do my guruing in blogging cyberspace to my hearts content and no one can stop me in my anonymity. I can be as obscure and as unknown as I want.

Do you think there is a parallel universe where a body meets a body and the souls of the bodies know that the body is the right body and it all happens at the right time? Utopia is far fetched, but who knows, anything is possible.

So I bath you in universal light and love (cause that's what wise, anonymous, impersonal, worldly gurus do) and wish you what you wish for yourself; and if my memory serves me right, is it celebrity and fame? xx

Honor Sterling

www.honorsgrain.blogspot.co.uk

05 April 2012

Post on 30^th November 2012
Remember, remember 25^th November?

This accelerated blog has been possible through future time progression. I can't hang about waiting for you to remember me....

RIDICULOUS, RIDICULOUS, RIDICULOUS

It is simply ridiculous. I have become obsessed. He is vibrating through every cell in my body.

I have had every emotion it is possible to have; anger, longing the ridiculing of him. I hate all of this.

Fuck off and leave me alone. Leave my dreams alone; leave my waking time alone. I left you because you were possessed; and now I am obsessed by you.

All I want to care about is my exercise routine, my facials, my massages, my empire building. I want to be desensitized, disinterested. I hate feeling. I have had enough of feeling.

I want to breeze through the future whole and self sufficient. I want to be totally absorbed and introverted. What need of the world if the world is inside my being. 

4th January 2012 

Motion

I walk and think, think and walk.  My feelings for him are so eloquently expressed in my head; the words come easily, the feelings intense. 

It's as if  I have to be in motion to express these feelings.  Like the motion that bound our bodies together.

I left  him; is that why I am so upset?  He is not a man who can survive without a left hand, be it his or another's. And men are such fragile insecure creatures; I was mixed up and did not realise.

The man I left him for turned out to be mad; the one that made him jealous, well I don't even want to go there.

You'd think I would have lost a few pounds with all this 'motion', but no, I'm still fat.

 Life is a bitch!

HOT FLUSH

Yesterday I apparated a man from my past. In my mind I was unsure about bringing this coincidence into my life. It has worried me for a long time so I kept putting it off. I was worried about how I would feel, how he would feel, and the implication and the fall out from these feelings. We are not what we were, no longer an individual; time has made each of us into a multiple. We both had lives apart which produced others; wive, husband child. But my longing for the physical him became urgent. In spit of my better judgement and common sense, I brought him back into my life by consciously and subconsciously materialising him.

If I am being honest I did this once before. I had brought him to me, but at that time I did not dare to feel, so I walked away. He does not know about this.

His physical being, his short hair, his height, even his small feet made me quiver(and yes, what they say about small feet is true). All the sexual intensity I thought I could no longer feel came back in waves and floods and hit me hard. This time I had a split second to make the decision. So I made him aware.

His beautiful voice, his boyish enthusiasm made me want to make passionate love to him right there and then; in John Lewis' cookware department! How can this be?

The middle aged menopausal me was suppose to transcend these girlish primeval feelings. They are feelings for the past, not the now, not the future. My heart is heavy. This does not bode well.

This body, which I did not appreciate in its youth,can surely no longer support sexual encounters. It has withered and grown old. Why then do the feelings return? Should they not have became fat and flabby like my thighs and tummy? The soul will not tolerate the unbearable tension.

Clearly, being a fledgling master of apparition is not a gift; it is a curse. When will I master the physical dissipation of others? The emotional burden will then lighten and I will become 'Goddess'.

The Buddhist say that you create to learn, but I am truly weary of learning. I just want childish love to fill my heart. I want it unconditional and ethereal. Will it ever come into my life? I have such little expectation, yet I fear that even those low expectations will never be fulfilled by MAN. I am sad.

I have now clarified to myself how dangerous (real and imagined) MAN APPARATED can be to my being.

Keep it real girl; he remembers you when he eats Chinese with his wife and children. He has forgotten how amazing you are, how delicately balance you are, that you are the lace maker. You are, quite rightly, just a culinary memory. You are no longer his life. I want to cry and laugh at this ridiculous parody of the physical and spiritual.

My advice to me is get real and move on and stop the longing..................Its the wise thing to do.

19 October 2011

Optimism

It's spring time and I should be optimistic. 

For a naturally optimistic person I am feeling sad and a little down trodden. I try to be upbeat but can't.  It's not that I am depressed, it's just that I don't know where all this is going.

The THIS is my life. I've been in it, I've looked at it from different angles, up, down, sideways and I just don't get it (and I'm still fat!).

I have decided that I really must be the guru of my life as I know more about it than anyone else does. To be quite honest, my life is not that interesting and in fact, I would go as far as to say that it is truly soporific. And although I know that I am the guru of my life, I go to soothsayers who purport to be gurus of life in general, and, while I pay them, mine in particular.

They see good thing around me, wonderful endings to my future.  I know that this only said to make me feel better and in my heart of hearts I know that it is pure conjecture and very unlikely to be true.  There is a knowing in my heart and it says that the end will be dull,sad and disappointing. 

But I am an optimist and a very tiny little part of me is not so sure that the ending will not be a happy one after all. xx

Frustration

Life is like a loop; it goes round and round, never ending.

I once wanted a man very desperately in my life. And then I wanted him out of it. I never loved him enough when he was there and could never bring myself to utter words of love to him. 

Then I did not see him for a long time and out of nowhere he started to invade my dreams. He came in and out of my consciousness so casually and with such easy that bit by bit he took over my every waking hour.

I became shy, then angry, understanding and then totally unreasonable with him, and all this happened in my head.

The loop goes round and round. xx

Gorgeous

I have decided to work on becoming utterly gorgeous this year. This decision come about as I have time on my hand. Middle age is fast approaching and it's not looking good!

Initially, I found machines to lift sagging faces, exercise classes that promise a six pack and a pert bottom,  clubs where you confess all the sins committed in the coffee shops resturants and late nigh snacking at the fridge and get redemsion. I embraced them all with gusto

All went smoothly until the children had yet another holiday and I decided to get tough with the mess in the house. There was also the W word and yes, I mean 'work' which I had wilfully neglected in my quest for gorgeousness.

You can image that after the initially promise of gorgeousness, the reward for the time put in to achieve that elusive goal that I hardly got anywhere.

So now I wonder whether I shall ever be gorgeous again. I really sympathise with you Angelina Jolie!

In my next post I shall come up with more excuses for my ample figure. xx

NEW YEAR

Hello my dears..... HAPPY NEW YEAR