Guru-ism

I am not sure why our chance meeting happened when it did, but what surprised me is the unresolved thoughts and feelings it threw up for me, thoughts and feelings that are alien to where I am now. Our lives are so very different and apart that I am puzzled by the reaction that it provoked in me. But then, there is my theory about time.

This past three years many of the significant relationships of my life have come into focus and I have been forced to understand the Me of the past 50 odd years, so maybe it's an age thing.

I discovered this about myself; That I am beautiful and funny, without much ego and with a lot of compassion, a generous spirit with a huge capacity to forgive and love; That I am resilient, optimistic and far from the ordinary. I also discovered that every person's perception of another is unique to their view point of the world and you can only touch another in the way their view point allows them.

When we met you were warm and seemed genuinely delighted to see me. But perhaps when you thought about it you decided that warmth and delight were inappropriate and it was not what you meant to communicate.

Or perhaps your life is busy and full and you already have all the people you need in it. Or maybe you are afraid of me and think that I want something from you so you are wary and guarded. You may simply think me a bore. It is all supposition and real, creative and nurturing friendship can not be built on mistrust or ego.

It maybe that in reality there was never friendship; when we met you said something that was very telling; you said you were grateful to me because I gave your career a start. It is sad for me to be perceived as the Patron Saint of Careers but that is just my ego being hurt (I am a sensitive little flower). It would have done my soul good to think that I contributed more than that to your life's journey. But as I say, you can only touch the lives of others in away that their own perception allows.

Of course nothing is black and white and there are many shades of grey, so how we feel about something and someone is complex and multi layered and cannot always be defined.

Little Man you will always be an important part of my soul's journey; I can not change this, it is what happened. There is much about you that is endearing; your boyish enthusiasm is infectious, your self belief, your determination to impress the world, your beautiful voice these are some of the things I see and feel when I think of you. And that makes me smile. Although our lives are very different, and what is in focus now must take precedence over what was, for me this does not mean I must exclude the love and friendship I felt in the past, be it real or imagined; it simply means that I must carry these feelings in my present in their proper prospective. And this gives me access to a great deal.

Why am I telling you all this and what the fuck does it have to do with you? Nothing really; it all has to do with me. I am trying to get clarity in my perception of what was. I do not want to become a cynic and as much as I like to think that I am ego-less, there is still a part of me that wants to be acknowledged. So I guess I am along way from being a guru, but I am making good headway. And hey, just as I must feel glad that you see me as the Patron Saint of  Careers (because your career really matters to you), please feel glad  that you are helping me in my quest for guru-ship.

No more crap. Promise. Next enlightenment I'll flick one the switch on my own.

All my love xx