Resolved

I think I've just about cracked it. 

I know the secret of the universe.

I have conducted a suspenseful, and sometime very intense relationship, all in my head. All I needed to do was to aparate a man for a short while (I think the physical interaction lasted approx ¾ hr), then I managed to have a very personal  and carnal relationship with him by simply dreaming him, and, vola, nearly 6 months later, I believe I managed to work through a challenging relationship without involving anyone but myself. My head is never dull.

I am so ready to discard him. I haven't got time for all this nonsense

Bravo, Bravo, Bravo.

Now I can discard him, as he deserves to be discarded. You're safe home counties boy. You don't deserve me because you never appreciated me. Go forth and be famous!

 The turning point? Ignored and then acknowledged only because you thought I might still be the patron saint of careers. How true to type you are !

xx

14 April 2012

Spring clean

How shall I start the day?

Today I have decided to become fearless and brave, like the warrior Goddess Athena.

I am not sure where to start though. 

Shall I rush from universe to universe in search of utopia? Or maybe I shall ease myself into my golden age by doing a spot of tiding up and cleaning? I love cleaning, it's so totally absorbing and productive. Clear away the cobwebs. And since I am fearless and brave, no job will be too hard for me to tackle. I shall whizz through the grim and dirt like superwoman with her red cape. And when the fumes of bleach and Cif totally intoxicate my brain, and I become tired through physical exhaustion, I shan't really care about parallel universes.

And that is a really good start xx
06 April 2012

Final Notice

I guess I have used up our time for knowing one another.  Time's up for this life time.  Our chance meeting was just that.  When you said you were glad to see me again, you really did not mean.  I am sad about that.  In retrospect I wish I had used the past wisely. Still hindsight is hindsight and will not resolve my present.

I wish you all you wish for yourself; plenty of fame and celebrity.

Me, I am writing a book, it has a lot about you in it. Pure fiction? Maybe. Follow it's progress in cyberspace if you dare.

All my love

Honor Sterling xx

08 April 2012

Follow me in cyberspace

www.honorsgrain.blogspot.com

The real goodbye

Happy Birthday

Today is the last day in which I shall contact you, and then I will becomes as unknown to you as I have been for the last 20 years. When we met, almost a year ago now, you were superficial and you said how glad you were to see me and how now that you found me you would never lose me again. And maybe in your home counties ways you believed what you said at the time and perhaps you really wanted to known me in a superficial and meaningless way. Or maybe you were being polite cause you were caught unawares and that's what home counties boys do, they say what they don't mean. You were so grateful to me for giving your career a jump start blah blah blah . For fuck sake, I was your lover, not the patron saint of careers...

Maybe when you remembered me better you got angry with me or maybe I scare you; maybe I bore you, or maybe you think I'm sad. Or maybe you just wonder whatever did I see in that old bag. Maybe your life is just fine because of who you have in it and maybe you just want me to fuck off and you don't need the agro in your life..

Who knows what another is, what another thinks, what another feels; what their sadness is what their happiness is, what fills their waking time.

To be honest, my whole being simply over reacted at seeing you that day. It fair did my head in and took me to places where no one my age should have to go. Still, as hard as we try, we simply can't help how we feel sometimes. Was I with the right man at the wrong time? My neck hurts form having looked back so much this past year.

And what the fuck am I talking about anyway, I was the bitch who left in the first place; but it didn't take you long for you to get over your broken heart. 6 weeks max? What does it matter anyway, it was, long, long ago, so why are my feelings so raw now? This is getting boring and it really isn't your problem anyway.

So what to do now?

Well I think I might just become a guru. I'll go out there into the world and do my guruing here, there and everywhere. I can do my guruing in blogging cyberspace to my hearts content and no one can stop me in my anonymity. I can be as obscure and as unknown as I want.

Do you think there is a parallel universe where a body meets a body and the souls of the bodies know that the body is the right body and it all happens at the right time? Utopia is far fetched, but who knows, anything is possible.

So I bath you in universal light and love (cause that's what wise, anonymous, impersonal, worldly gurus do) and wish you what you wish for yourself; and if my memory serves me right, is it celebrity and fame? xx

Honor Sterling

www.honorsgrain.blogspot.co.uk

05 April 2012

Post on 30^th November 2012
Remember, remember 25^th November?

This accelerated blog has been possible through future time progression. I can't hang about waiting for you to remember me....

RIDICULOUS, RIDICULOUS, RIDICULOUS

It is simply ridiculous. I have become obsessed. He is vibrating through every cell in my body.

I have had every emotion it is possible to have; anger, longing the ridiculing of him. I hate all of this.

Fuck off and leave me alone. Leave my dreams alone; leave my waking time alone. I left you because you were possessed; and now I am obsessed by you.

All I want to care about is my exercise routine, my facials, my massages, my empire building. I want to be desensitized, disinterested. I hate feeling. I have had enough of feeling.

I want to breeze through the future whole and self sufficient. I want to be totally absorbed and introverted. What need of the world if the world is inside my being. 

4th January 2012 

Motion

I walk and think, think and walk.  My feelings for him are so eloquently expressed in my head; the words come easily, the feelings intense. 

It's as if  I have to be in motion to express these feelings.  Like the motion that bound our bodies together.

I left  him; is that why I am so upset?  He is not a man who can survive without a left hand, be it his or another's. And men are such fragile insecure creatures; I was mixed up and did not realise.

The man I left him for turned out to be mad; the one that made him jealous, well I don't even want to go there.

You'd think I would have lost a few pounds with all this 'motion', but no, I'm still fat.

 Life is a bitch!

HOT FLUSH

Yesterday I apparated a man from my past. In my mind I was unsure about bringing this coincidence into my life. It has worried me for a long time so I kept putting it off. I was worried about how I would feel, how he would feel, and the implication and the fall out from these feelings. We are not what we were, no longer an individual; time has made each of us into a multiple. We both had lives apart which produced others; wive, husband child. But my longing for the physical him became urgent. In spit of my better judgement and common sense, I brought him back into my life by consciously and subconsciously materialising him.

If I am being honest I did this once before. I had brought him to me, but at that time I did not dare to feel, so I walked away. He does not know about this.

His physical being, his short hair, his height, even his small feet made me quiver(and yes, what they say about small feet is true). All the sexual intensity I thought I could no longer feel came back in waves and floods and hit me hard. This time I had a split second to make the decision. So I made him aware.

His beautiful voice, his boyish enthusiasm made me want to make passionate love to him right there and then; in John Lewis' cookware department! How can this be?

The middle aged menopausal me was suppose to transcend these girlish primeval feelings. They are feelings for the past, not the now, not the future. My heart is heavy. This does not bode well.

This body, which I did not appreciate in its youth,can surely no longer support sexual encounters. It has withered and grown old. Why then do the feelings return? Should they not have became fat and flabby like my thighs and tummy? The soul will not tolerate the unbearable tension.

Clearly, being a fledgling master of apparition is not a gift; it is a curse. When will I master the physical dissipation of others? The emotional burden will then lighten and I will become 'Goddess'.

The Buddhist say that you create to learn, but I am truly weary of learning. I just want childish love to fill my heart. I want it unconditional and ethereal. Will it ever come into my life? I have such little expectation, yet I fear that even those low expectations will never be fulfilled by MAN. I am sad.

I have now clarified to myself how dangerous (real and imagined) MAN APPARATED can be to my being.

Keep it real girl; he remembers you when he eats Chinese with his wife and children. He has forgotten how amazing you are, how delicately balance you are, that you are the lace maker. You are, quite rightly, just a culinary memory. You are no longer his life. I want to cry and laugh at this ridiculous parody of the physical and spiritual.

My advice to me is get real and move on and stop the longing..................Its the wise thing to do.

19 October 2011