Feeling Reflective

Today I am feeling reflective.

You have told me before when we talk electronically that you did not want to get into deep and reflective conversations with me. You wanted to keep the past firmly in the past.  Good attitude; but for me you are not the past.

As I said before part of me belongs to you.  I don't say this to flatter your ego; I say it because it is fact for me.

You say I compartment my life, but it's really you who does that.

For me life is abstract; time is immaterial, it simply fixes who was with whom at a particular instant in their lives.

Intensity and depth of feeling is what stays in our souls; these feelings do not go away, the simply overwhelm us one day.  We then bury them deep inside us until we are ready to deal with them. 

Many come into our lives and evoke differing emotions in us.  These evoked emotions give us different prospectives on the emotions we felt before and cause us to react differently to feeling we had before and what we will feel in the future

They say that time heals; it doesn't you know, it just allows us to have different experiences in order that we may evolve and change prospective.

All my love xx

30 November 2012

Hope U are ok with this

Hi Honor

Are u ok? This chat getting a bit hectic and intense ( my fault partly Why partly, if you are going catholic go the whole hog).. Do u mind if we calm it down a bit ... I'm struggling to keep up. I hope U are ok with this

I hope things are alright over there and trip is as u had hoped.

loadsluvX

DearX

You are right. A combination of sun, warm weather, scant clothing and not having a structured life means I have too much time for unimportant chat.

It is intense, because passion is intense. What I write is not chat, it is how I really feel. I am sharing my feelings you with because I choose to and its my gift to you; you can accept this gift or rejected - your choice.  You are unwilling to trust me with yours and you don't feel the need to make me understand you. You share only your fantasies, not what's in your heart. You already said you didn't want to share that part of yourself with me and that's fine.

 

You are not sure what you want from me nor what you are willing to give me and that's fine too.

Each person is at a different crossroads in their life.

As I said before, our souls and our bodies belong to us only.  How we choose to share these two things is entirely up to each of us. Sharing shows a generous spirit and a willingness to grow; a fearlessness to discover the unknown self. Shame and guilt are man made, and in each social sphere this differs according to how another wants to control (you should know, you wrote an article about society). I am a social being and because of my conditioning, I am supposed to feel ashamed and guilty for feeling the way I do about you.  But I want to be open and vulnerable, and show you who I am; despite the time we spent together, you don't really know me.   How I feel about you, is a reflection of how I feel about myself. 

Having said that, we are not at liberty to deliberately hurt others who come into our lives, whether they be important to us or not; another does not perceive as I do. Each person must decide for themselves who is important to them and how an interaction will effect them, and come or part from the other because it is what is right for them to do.

You are an important  part of my life and I want to understand you. In understanding you and the feelings I have for you, I may begin to understand that part of me that belongs to you.

I am on a journey of self discovery and find that I am a complex and interesting being; this week has been a Thelma and Louise week for me (yours was the Brad Pitt part, so I don't think you have much to complain about there!).

I have learnt a few things this week;

• I have discovered that I don't really want to be a nun
• That I am intensely sensual
• That it is OK to have carnal and other feelings for you; I don't have to be ashamed or embarrassed
• That the physical relationship we ad together was very special and it binds me to you and that I am lucky to have had that in my life
  
• That intimacy is about sharing (something you instinctively know)
  
• That you don't feel the same way I do because you are not me
• That I am a free spirit with a unique view point 
• That I can be very heavy duty sometimes

I think I am glad that you came into my life again; it has caused me to be sad at times, but it's OK to be sad.  You have reminded me how to be woman again, and for that I am grateful maybe. I was angry about that before, but I'm not so angry any more.  I am Woman and I can not deny that part of myself so I may as well stop sticking my head in the sand and beating myself up about it.

I know that you are in grey London, you have to commute, work, consider what's in your life and deal with children. It all takes time and energy. What I don't understand is what being 'OK with this means' but whatever it means to you, its OK with me. 

We will 'be' whatever our souls allow. I cannot control or anticipate how you feel about me and any way,  I'm not about control. I can only respond and react as generously, kindly, honestly, spontaneously and as affectionately as I feel. I Don't do faults; that's for the morally superior.

I do hope we have fun together because fun has been been missing from my life and perhaps from yours too? 

Please don't mind my naughtiness and sense of humour, I don't mean any harm; what can I say, I can't help myself; I was born that way! 

All my love xx

Written on 17 November