Mr Right

I have gradually come to the realisation that I have already met Mr Right.

I simply did not recognise him before because, like the holly trinity, he resides in three different places over three different decades.

First he came in the guise of a self evading man laking in confidence with himself but very confident in me. He was my first love.

Then he grew in physical stature and he became confident in himself, but he was never sure of me. His burning ambition blinded him to my  feelings and that made him vulnerable.

Having never been loved for who I am, I mistook obsessiveness for love.  So when he showed his third self, I mistook his possessiveness for love.

So Mr Right is never right. He simply wants to posses me and make me into his idea of me.  He never loved me for who I am .

And that can never be right.

Guru-ism

I am not sure why our chance meeting happened when it did, but what surprised me is the unresolved thoughts and feelings it threw up for me, thoughts and feelings that are alien to where I am now. Our lives are so very different and apart that I am puzzled by the reaction that it provoked in me. But then, there is my theory about time.

This past three years many of the significant relationships of my life have come into focus and I have been forced to understand the Me of the past 50 odd years, so maybe it's an age thing.

I discovered this about myself; That I am beautiful and funny, without much ego and with a lot of compassion, a generous spirit with a huge capacity to forgive and love; That I am resilient, optimistic and far from the ordinary. I also discovered that every person's perception of another is unique to their view point of the world and you can only touch another in the way their view point allows them.

When we met you were warm and seemed genuinely delighted to see me. But perhaps when you thought about it you decided that warmth and delight were inappropriate and it was not what you meant to communicate.

Or perhaps your life is busy and full and you already have all the people you need in it. Or maybe you are afraid of me and think that I want something from you so you are wary and guarded. You may simply think me a bore. It is all supposition and real, creative and nurturing friendship can not be built on mistrust or ego.

It maybe that in reality there was never friendship; when we met you said something that was very telling; you said you were grateful to me because I gave your career a start. It is sad for me to be perceived as the Patron Saint of Careers but that is just my ego being hurt (I am a sensitive little flower). It would have done my soul good to think that I contributed more than that to your life's journey. But as I say, you can only touch the lives of others in away that their own perception allows.

Of course nothing is black and white and there are many shades of grey, so how we feel about something and someone is complex and multi layered and cannot always be defined.

Little Man you will always be an important part of my soul's journey; I can not change this, it is what happened. There is much about you that is endearing; your boyish enthusiasm is infectious, your self belief, your determination to impress the world, your beautiful voice these are some of the things I see and feel when I think of you. And that makes me smile. Although our lives are very different, and what is in focus now must take precedence over what was, for me this does not mean I must exclude the love and friendship I felt in the past, be it real or imagined; it simply means that I must carry these feelings in my present in their proper prospective. And this gives me access to a great deal.

Why am I telling you all this and what the fuck does it have to do with you? Nothing really; it all has to do with me. I am trying to get clarity in my perception of what was. I do not want to become a cynic and as much as I like to think that I am ego-less, there is still a part of me that wants to be acknowledged. So I guess I am along way from being a guru, but I am making good headway. And hey, just as I must feel glad that you see me as the Patron Saint of  Careers (because your career really matters to you), please feel glad  that you are helping me in my quest for guru-ship.

No more crap. Promise. Next enlightenment I'll flick one the switch on my own.

All my love xx

Being Scientific

Being a resourceful sort of a girl, I have decided that at this point in time I must be quite scientific about life in order that I may get a better handle on it. See it's all very well being a witch and all that, but in the end science really gives more weight and credibility to events. And if I am being honest, I find science much more imaginative and creative than mumbo jumbo. It really is the way to go. It is a well know fact that time is not linear, and what can I say from first hand experience is, that time is a four dimensional thing. Anybody who has read the most basic scientific literture knows that it is agreed that energy is never created nor destroyed; it simply changes form. Same goes for matter. We are physical and emotional vibrating matter. Now here is how my theory goes; our physical being is made up of an orderly pattern, the molecules and atoms vibrating within its lattice framework. Same thing with our emotional being (aka the soul), it's made up in exactly the same way, only the vibrational energy levels between the the molecules and atoms is different. The whole world and every matter in it is made up of exactly the same basic components, only difference is how things are arranged and what their vibrational speed is. So vibrational speed is so very important 'cause it creates diversity and can change our very souls. While we are alive, the physical and emotional lattices somehow super impose themselves one over the other and they make a living person. We know that the vibration of matter can be influenced by a variety of external force; heat, gravitational pull etc, etc etc. The physical lattice is made up of matter that influence how we look, our sexual preference and all other things that our genes give us. It is a pretty well sequenced lattice (our DNA) and it's vibrational rates only change and modify as liner time goes by (baby, toddler,young adult and so on). I know I said that time is non linear, but until they discover the elixir of youth, then the four dimensional thing relates only to the second lattice, the emotional lattices. The emotional lattice aka the soul is not so well defined or sequenced. It changes, grows and contracts and is a much more complex lattice. Its order is influenced by other souls that impose and imprint vibrational energy on us. This interaction of the energies leaves its imprint and the addition to our soul is inevitable and undeniably.  Of course there is greater resonance and harmony (our natural natural state of being) when the natural vibration of one soul is amplified and is in phase with another (to use a scientific term, simple harmonic motion) Everyone in our lives makes our soul grow in some way or the other and changes the structure of our lattice. And here's how the four dimensional thing works; we are possessors of our own soul and we can access any part of that soul anytime we feel the need to, so we can travel back and forth in time whenever the mood takes us. We can choose to bring to the surface or push down any soul experience we had. We can, if we have a mind to it, alter our prospective because of what other experiences have brought to our soul and release molecules and particles when the time is right(like boiling water turning to steam).   I did not open the email you sent me. I dread the phrase 'best wishes'. While it displays decorum and formality of Professional  Of The Year, it lacks the simplicity and elegance of a soul connection. I think I'll do time travel and stay friends with boyish, enthusiastic, singing Boy. Professional of the year Boy, well he is scary and who knows what he has up his sleeve. At one time it was 'Best Wish' and 'I can't hear you'; it may develop into 'Regards' and 'Yours Sincerely'. Do I want that imprinted on my soul? Hell no; I'd rather drink four pints of cold goat's milk! All my love xx