HOT FLUSH

Yesterday I apparated a man from my past. In my mind I was unsure about bringing this coincidence into my life. It has worried me for a long time so I kept putting it off. I was worried about how I would feel, how he would feel, and the implication and the fall out from these feelings. We are not what we were, no longer an individual; time has made each of us into a multiple. We both had lives apart which produced others; wive, husband child. But my longing for the physical him became urgent. In spit of my better judgement and common sense, I brought him back into my life by consciously and subconsciously materialising him.

If I am being honest I did this once before. I had brought him to me, but at that time I did not dare to feel, so I walked away. He does not know about this.

His physical being, his short hair, his height, even his small feet made me quiver(and yes, what they say about small feet is true). All the sexual intensity I thought I could no longer feel came back in waves and floods and hit me hard. This time I had a split second to make the decision. So I made him aware.

His beautiful voice, his boyish enthusiasm made me want to make passionate love to him right there and then; in John Lewis' cookware department! How can this be?

The middle aged menopausal me was suppose to transcend these girlish primeval feelings. They are feelings for the past, not the now, not the future. My heart is heavy. This does not bode well.

This body, which I did not appreciate in its youth,can surely no longer support sexual encounters. It has withered and grown old. Why then do the feelings return? Should they not have became fat and flabby like my thighs and tummy? The soul will not tolerate the unbearable tension.

Clearly, being a fledgling master of apparition is not a gift; it is a curse. When will I master the physical dissipation of others? The emotional burden will then lighten and I will become 'Goddess'.

The Buddhist say that you create to learn, but I am truly weary of learning. I just want childish love to fill my heart. I want it unconditional and ethereal. Will it ever come into my life? I have such little expectation, yet I fear that even those low expectations will never be fulfilled by MAN. I am sad.

I have now clarified to myself how dangerous (real and imagined) MAN APPARATED can be to my being.

Keep it real girl; he remembers you when he eats Chinese with his wife and children. He has forgotten how amazing you are, how delicately balance you are, that you are the lace maker. You are, quite rightly, just a culinary memory. You are no longer his life. I want to cry and laugh at this ridiculous parody of the physical and spiritual.

My advice to me is get real and move on and stop the longing..................Its the wise thing to do.

19 October 2011