Optimistic

Little Friend I feel terribly optimistic today.  My optimism stems from the fact that I understand your anger is not with me, but with yourself.  But anger subsides.  Hopefully you will not feel angry with yourself or me for too long.  We are both very special people, so we should not be angry with ourselves or one another.  Sad maybe; but not angry. It has clarified a lot for me.  We all perceive a situation from a different vantage point.  You were angry because you felt a sense of obligation to me and a frustration that the woman you no longer loved was HARASSING you by, as you perceive it, putting pressure on your time and emotions. Your sense of obligation comes from the way you were brought up, which is lovely and old fashioned.  You want to feel a sense of control, and I was taking that away from you. I am assuming that how you perceive it. Of course your anger is not only to do with feeling harassed by me; it has to also do with the sense of loss, helplessness and other things you feel, which are private to you and her.  Again, I assume that how it is, I can't really know how true this is. Things seem bleak, but as you told me before, nothing lasts for ever and you are pretty good at recovering.  Mind, it gets harder the older we get. Me, I fancied myself as an Oriental Alister Cook and Marjorie Proops rolled into one.  I told you I wanted to write a book; it's about me and those who have touched my soul.  My emails to you are part of my story, but you stopped reading these.  Every writer wants an audience, no matter how small the audience is.  It makes them gauge the reaction they have from others with a different point of view. I have time on my hand.  I have been silent for a long time.  I needed to express myself. I needed to record my expression. Having an audience helps validate me, my thoughts and my feelings. It's time for me to be me again; time to be heard. I thought you wanted to hear. Incessant texting is part of the Oriental psyche. Foreigners compliant about it.  It isn't unusual for me to receive a few texts form the same people everyday.  Its the way we make people know we think of them, without giving them time pressure, and I've come to this part of the world to find my inner Native.  Text can be read at leisure.  It can be deleted, it can be saved and treasure afterwards. I texted because I felt it made you feel special and I had time to do so.  You are, in many ways, childlike and love attention; it is very endearing.  I guess that plan back fired; instead of feeling cared for, you felt harassed.  I did not expect replies from you; I was just being radio 4 morning programme, giving you 'thought for the day'.  But you are in no mood for radio 4 right now; you need to deal with everyday life, you need to deal with your emotions. Perception is such a funny thing. When we met for the first time after 20 years a myriad of feeling came up for me. I expressed them by blogging them.  I have a small fan base!  But then we started to writing, and that became more interesting than blogging.  Writing helps me define my feelings, it also reminds me of how I felt in a certain time in my life. There is a little children's book about a penguin and a boy by Polly Dunbar; you might know it.  The penguin says nothing and the boy feels frustrated with him.  Then something critical happens and then penguin says everything.  And then the boy is surprised by him.  I really know how that penguin feels. I never know though which penguin the boy liked best; quite penguin or talkative penguin. A huge dam has burst inside me.  You made the first hit with your body. It is not easy keeping everything in when such a powerful force hits you.  It fucking knocked me sideways.  I am working my way through the flood damage though.  I hope I will come out the other side whole and wiser; as I say, I'm hoping for enlightenment.  You know, the menopausal Guru and all that!  The marvelous thing is I have found my sexuality.  Blimey Pete, I can't stop wanking. I understand why you do it now. Nothing in life is permanent.  There is an ebb and a flow. We are born, we grow and then we die.  It is a cycle.Each person has their own cycle. People come in and out of our lives; they leave an impression, they create an experience. Perhaps we will create new experiences together.  I love fucking you.  I do so hope we will do that again.  It is important be kind and respect one another's feelings.  When we feel something we should express it. Otherwise  it may hurt us and make us angry when it could be simply that we misunderstood the other. No two ways about it, men and women see things differently, hear things differently.  Thank god for that, otherwise it will be either constant bitching and bickering or non stop thoughtlessness. I aspire to be understood and loved.  Not loved in a way that makes others feel obliged to be with me, but in a way that makes others glad of me.  I want this from my children, I want this from my siblings, I want this from all that come into my life. And when I say love, I don't mean simply romantic love.  I mean love in it's universal meaning, in it's Buddhist meaning. I feel a bond with you. I want to sleep with you. If you or I becomes a pain in the arse, as we both can be, then we should let the other know.  It hurt me that you put a block on me; kinder and less hurtful to tell me you cannot cope with me at present.  I know, I am a sensitive little flower. I hope we have lots of sex together .  We do sex well together, at least I think so; I am still insecure about that though.  As I said, making love with you is one of the most rewarding experience I've had in my life.  You express your affection so beautiful with your body. My bod loves your bod Mr Friend.  I don't want to be friends with you like Tom is.  I don't want to be friends with you like Dick is.  I want to be friends with you in a Me sort of way.... I want to sleep you; you are my fantasy. So when you are up for it , and I hope you will want to, don't invite me to lunch, invite me to a dance or invite me for a dirty weekend, or better still, invite me for both. Who knows, I might even be able to make you laugh!  I don't think you've laughed in a long time and I fancy my self as a bit of a comedian.  And if my sense of humour fails to amuse you, I can always tickle your balls,: I know you love that. As always, with love.  You are special for me; celebrate your specialness with me, don't deny.