I said I am optimistic and resilient. Well that me is falling apart and disintegrating.
I am so sad and heart broken; I feel like a teen. The water work are doing overtime.
I can not believe how stupid, irrational and totally embarrassing and idiotic I am.
Lust
and a vague thought of imagined love have made me humiliate myself to
the wanker I call ex.
And they say being
woman is good.
If my feelings for him had not surfaced, then I would
not be in this position. It is consuming all my thinking time and
compromising any respect I have for myself.
I met him again; he is messing around with my head. As if
I needed another man to do this to me. He is loves the attention; pretends to be noble about
faithfulness and all that crap.
And I am unable to rationally see
him for the wanker that he is. Driving myself crazy thinking,
was he messing when we were?
I think I have scared him away; I doubt I will hear from him again. Smug little git that he is.
Email is lethal for
having rambling monologues with exes.
I want to become robot again, have no
Internet so I do not humiliate myself again. I keep
promising myself 'I will be disciplined and dignified' but fail miserably.
Nothing is simple in life.
Lots
of change and bravery is deserting me. I am sad and upset about never having been loved
by a man.
Not a good week. Can't believe what a pessimistic moaner I have become.
And the sadness is crushing my very soul. Bummer.
Lots
more moaning possible, but bored myself already. Wish I could rub the
imprint of that man out of my cells; he is like a genetic disease that
has decided to manifest itself.
Pray for the old me to win the day.
All my love xx
