Black, White, Red

You say she says you are black and white.

I say I am full of colour.

Shall I become grey to suit her description,

Or will you become technicolor?

She is right, she knows you well.

Me, I'm full of pain - and pain has all the colours, including the colour passion.

You say passion is good, but you can not know it because you are colour blind; you are black and white, you said she said so.

Being  WOMAN, I am colour; I know that passion is Red.

And now I am Red.

I am  RED.  I am ANGRY.

You see time as linear and you say that we were long ago; do you feel safe in your distance? 

You see yourself apart, but you are not, because a part of you belongs to me.  Is that part of me that belongs to you vital organ or is it limb?  I wonder.

I want that part that belongs amputated and cut away.  Like you I had thought it had died long, long, ago, but I was wrong; it only took one look and it lives again.

Will I die or will I live when you go? Will I become androgynous or will I stay woman, broken and open abuse?

Anyway you look at it, I am damaged goods.

All my love xx

Passion

Today I have decide that you do not belong in my life.

When we met on Wednesday you hinted that you wanted me in your life.  You also said that passion is important.  You said you were happily with another and you started to tell me her anecdotes.  You relaxed and said that a long time has passed since we were. 

You still do not know that I am woman, and woman can not share; time has no measure; numbers are arbitrary.

You show no passion for me, and you can not love her. 

You are prepared to be intimate with me.  You did not say it in so many words, but you kissed me on the lips when you said goodbye.

Did you sleep with others when we were?  I say that I am not jealous; I am woman and I lie to seem brave.

When we parted you said that you had to think and make decisions.

I am not a book that you read and then write one of your meaningless critiques on and make decisions about.  I AM WOMAN.  Anyway, I know that you do not know how to read woman; it's a hard book for you to understand.

So why lie and say that passion is important, or is it that I do not inspire it, so I am unimportant, never were and never will be?

It is just chemistry with you.  You will not be blame for making you do what you say you do not want to do. 

I hope I can stick to my decision, the decision I make with my head.  I do not want to be woman.  It's hurtful.

Ingrained

Dear ex

I have become quite depressed about our chance meeting.

Prior to that, I had hardy thought of you. 

Perhaps my relationship to you is entirely binding, like that of a father, mother or sibling.  No matter how uncomfortable or sad it makes me, and no matter how much I want it not to be in my life, it is a fact of me.  And no matter how long ago that it happened, you are ingrained in me on a cellular level.

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE INAPPROPRIATE.

THE MALAISE I FEEL IS BECOMING QUITE CRUSHING.

I must find an appropriate place for it.

All my love xx

Innocent bystander

What are you up to Mr Man?

I was perfectly fine, minding my own business and out of the blue, you started invading my dreams.  You came in the night and you were tender, gentle and sweet. I felt you; I touched you; I looked into your eyes.  You felt real but you were just a dream; you let me be in my waking time.

And then, not satisfied with being the shadowy  man from the past, you made yourself real.

I had become androgynous, happy and satisfied in my hermaphrodite state.  I was whole, self sufficient.  No part of me was missing; I was father, mother, friend and lover; I needed no one.  I was the nun I have always longed to be.

As well you know, my track record as WOMAN is littered with failure.  Meeting the real you demanded that I become woman again; sensual, vulnerable, needy; all the hurtful things I never want to be.  I am angry about that.

I can not remember the past with my head as you do; it is my body that remembers; every cell resonates with the intense sexuality that is you; a sexuality  that I was sure the menopausal me would never, ever have to long for again. And that, as you may eloquently put it, is not nice, nor lady like.

Dam you, why did you have to do this to me?  Is it your revenge because I left?   Or are you are simply the innocent bystander in all of this, with a life and body that bears no relation to who or what I am. 

Why do I feel compelled to make you see who I am?  Is it because I am woman again and this makes me irrational. 

Please do not judge me; it's simply the way I feel.


All my love xx

Invasion

He entered my dreams and took charge of my sleep - why now after 20 years, I do not know.  He came into my subconscious.  He was tender and sweet.  The night was his and the day was mine to do with as I pleased.

Then suddenly, out of the blue, we met.

He is no longer content being my dream.  He came to me one more time in my sleep but he could no longer make love to me.

Now the night is mine and the day is his.

He lives in my conscious; he invades my every waking thought; he resides in every part of me.

He ignores me; there is no tenderness in his tone.

Mr Right

I have gradually come to the realisation that I have already met Mr Right.

I simply did not recognise him before because, like the holly trinity, he resides in three different places over three different decades.

First he came in the guise of a self evading man laking in confidence with himself but very confident in me. He was my first love.

Then he grew in physical stature and he became confident in himself, but he was never sure of me. His burning ambition blinded him to my  feelings and that made him vulnerable.

Having never been loved for who I am, I mistook obsessiveness for love.  So when he showed his third self, I mistook his possessiveness for love.

So Mr Right is never right. He simply wants to posses me and make me into his idea of me.  He never loved me for who I am .

And that can never be right.

Guru-ism

I am not sure why our chance meeting happened when it did, but what surprised me is the unresolved thoughts and feelings it threw up for me, thoughts and feelings that are alien to where I am now. Our lives are so very different and apart that I am puzzled by the reaction that it provoked in me. But then, there is my theory about time.

This past three years many of the significant relationships of my life have come into focus and I have been forced to understand the Me of the past 50 odd years, so maybe it's an age thing.

I discovered this about myself; That I am beautiful and funny, without much ego and with a lot of compassion, a generous spirit with a huge capacity to forgive and love; That I am resilient, optimistic and far from the ordinary. I also discovered that every person's perception of another is unique to their view point of the world and you can only touch another in the way their view point allows them.

When we met you were warm and seemed genuinely delighted to see me. But perhaps when you thought about it you decided that warmth and delight were inappropriate and it was not what you meant to communicate.

Or perhaps your life is busy and full and you already have all the people you need in it. Or maybe you are afraid of me and think that I want something from you so you are wary and guarded. You may simply think me a bore. It is all supposition and real, creative and nurturing friendship can not be built on mistrust or ego.

It maybe that in reality there was never friendship; when we met you said something that was very telling; you said you were grateful to me because I gave your career a start. It is sad for me to be perceived as the Patron Saint of Careers but that is just my ego being hurt (I am a sensitive little flower). It would have done my soul good to think that I contributed more than that to your life's journey. But as I say, you can only touch the lives of others in away that their own perception allows.

Of course nothing is black and white and there are many shades of grey, so how we feel about something and someone is complex and multi layered and cannot always be defined.

Little Man you will always be an important part of my soul's journey; I can not change this, it is what happened. There is much about you that is endearing; your boyish enthusiasm is infectious, your self belief, your determination to impress the world, your beautiful voice these are some of the things I see and feel when I think of you. And that makes me smile. Although our lives are very different, and what is in focus now must take precedence over what was, for me this does not mean I must exclude the love and friendship I felt in the past, be it real or imagined; it simply means that I must carry these feelings in my present in their proper prospective. And this gives me access to a great deal.

Why am I telling you all this and what the fuck does it have to do with you? Nothing really; it all has to do with me. I am trying to get clarity in my perception of what was. I do not want to become a cynic and as much as I like to think that I am ego-less, there is still a part of me that wants to be acknowledged. So I guess I am along way from being a guru, but I am making good headway. And hey, just as I must feel glad that you see me as the Patron Saint of  Careers (because your career really matters to you), please feel glad  that you are helping me in my quest for guru-ship.

No more crap. Promise. Next enlightenment I'll flick one the switch on my own.

All my love xx