Stupid cow

Dear Mr Man

Please press delete.

I have been going over your emails / texts and thinking of the time we spent together.

I have been totally out of order and unfair to you. You have warned me, treated me in away that should have left me in no doubt about how you felt about me, yet I choose to ignore all this and have relentlessly persuade you.

And I fancy myself clever!

You are living in the here and now and I am, well I don't know where the fuck I am.

I left for a reason, but that was a long time ago. You say you loved me, but heck it only took you max 4 months to get over me. So really, you couldn't have care that much.

I try, through out my life to treat everyone with love and respect. When I decided to end my relationship with you I gave you shelter and support. I always give my time, love and support to those in my life, but I am afraid that no one think I deserve any consideration or real love.

While we were together you never took time to understand how I felt about life; relentlessly you imposed your ambition on me. I do not want to be famous, I am a private person; yet your desire for fame out weighed your consideration for me. You have never acknowledged me in a professional capacity; I began to think that I had I had little to do with my mums house. Going through her things I found that I had quite a lot to do with it. But who the fuck cares, its only a bloody house.

I fear that I will never be care for. My natural optimism deserts me. I disrepair and my sadness is deeply felt.

Undoubtedly there is unquestionable physical attraction between us, something that neither can help. Making love with you is one the best things I have ever done in my life and I am truly sad and upset that I can not have your physical love always in my life.  I yearn for it. But I doubt you will want to sleep with me again. You seem resolutely unwilling to take my feelings into consideration and my feelings matter.

I fuck with my body and mind.

I am sorry that your life with Her did not work out. You must love her very much and she is a lucky person. I genuinely grieve for you, your children and her. But I also grieve for myself and feel sad that my life with anybody will never work out. Try hard as I can, no one whats to acknowledge my specialness. And I know that I am an extra ordinary human being.

I feel a great deal of affection and love for you. I love your body, I love your physical affection, but I cannot handle your indifference to me and your insistence that you hurt, life and feelings are much more important than mine. Not at all guruish I'm afraid.

You confused me and you humiliated me when I was in with you; not kind, but hay I took it like a man. I fucking hate John Lewis. I am determined to become dormant again. You are safe Mr Man

All my energies will go into my business interests. I suspect I shall be much better off being a millionairess than being love or staying optimistic about that.

Please press delete on all that I decided to share with you. You had a part of my soul which you really did not want in any case, so pressing delete will be an act of kindness to a stupid, dumb animal.

Fuck me if ever I open up to anyone again or show vulnerability, than I will be the biggest stupid cow in the whole universe. Deepak Chopra is full of crap, and the rose coloured glasses are coming off.

Life has not been kind to me; I doubt things will change. Poor fucking little me.

Not a fucking Guru after all.

Still, no mileage in unkindness, so all my love.

Extremely distressed and vulnerable Me.

Love Making Guru

Little Man

I begin to understand why our paths crossed again.

Despite having lived together for eight years and apart for twenty, neither of us has realized fully or learnt why we were and how we are now.

We do not always meet the right person at the right time.  We often meet the right person but at the wrong time and visa verse.

I now believe you when you say I meant the world to you. I did not understand you before.  I think I now do. What I said in the last email was just ego talk; as I am trying to become a Guru, I must learn to over come feelings of hurt.

My love for you stems from the very fact that you are childlike, and like a child you live in the moment.  And like a child you need to be touched, praised and reassured; you need safety and security to be who you are. Your enthusiasm is infectious; you are tactile and affectionate and that is how you display your love. Like a child, you love when you need to be loved and are oblivious when you are focused on what you want to achieve.  Like a child, your focus is totally; you exclude and live in the moment.  I understand that in order to excel, one needs total focus; Architecture is your passion and focus; it is important to you; it did not mean that you did not love simply because you had ambition.

My guess is that you loved me because I made you feel safe and secure; that gave you time and energy to focus on what you wanted to achieve.  Like a mother (and I don't mean this in a patronizing way, because I have been MOTHER to countless people in my life, including my own mother, who was an unruly child) I loved you, praised you, pampered to your whims and wishes and made you feel that you were the center of my world.

But at that time, while I had maturity beyond my years, my emotional maturity had not caught up with my capacity to love unconditionally, which is how everyone will love eventually.  I felt neglected and unloved. 

So when a another crossed my path I mistook possessiveness for deep caring; I did not realize that those who want to posses lack self esteem and want to posses the very thing they lack, that they cannot possibly love.

So I left because I did not understand how you cared.  You felt betrayed because the very person whom you thought would be there for you forever abandoned you.

We both went in search for what we thought the other lacked.  We neither of us understood that the lack was not in the other, but in ourselves.  So we went and searched; this is how we grow, evolve and understand.

What I have learnt is that I need the physical affection of a man because I am woman and I have a body. That I have yet to learn to love unconditionally because I am still hurt by how I perceive others love me.That being vulnerable is OK even if others can not cope with it; those who can, will help me with my journey; those who can not will make me understand myself better.

That being WOMAN means loving unconditionally, and that unconditional love must include loving me.

Mr Man, you are my  MAN CHILD and lovemaking Guru and teacher. Will you love my body and stay my lover and teacher while you are able to and before you meet another?  Making love with you is the most right thing that my body has ever done with another body; it always has been and it always will be. My body loves your body; I know because my body is less shy of you than it is shy of me. It loves being touched by you, caressed by you.  It loves being next to you, spending the night with you.

In return, I will try and love you unconditionally; not in a way that gets hurt by your childlike ways; not in the way that is possessive or demanding, but in a way that WOMAN loves. I will celebrates the very childlike qualities that you bring into my life.  I will let you 'be' when you do not want to be bothered; I will be your saint. I will support you when you need support, even while I am in an emotionally difficult place myself. I can do that, because I am very resilient and I am truly woman, and it is great for me realize that.

Knowing that I can have you as my lover, teacher and lovemaking Guru will help me through the difficult times ahead.

All my love, truly XOX

It's Important To Be Honest

You said it is important to be honest.  Here are some of the feelings I had during the month I was in London.  So here goes.

You said it was good for your confidence to know that I found you irresistible and an amazing lover.  You did not feel that it was important for you to do the same for me, not even for nostalgia's sake; you turn up late, drunk and really not that bothered at all.  Great confidence booster for a girl who is shy and sensitive about her sexuality.

And then you say I made myself feel insecure. 

Would you feel confidence in yourself as a lover if I had deliberately let slip that I had turned down your offer for a night of passion so that I can meet a new man 'cause he might be better at giving head?  Is this your way of keeping the sex casual and relaxed by undermining my confidence as a woman?

Mindful and caring?  In your thoughts?   I'd say unnecessarily hurtful. But as I said before you can be an insensitive git.

Do I believe you when you say I'd meant the world to you? Hardly.

I simple don't know what to do about you Mr Man. Bummer really 'cause for me, the sex is special and good beyond belief and exactly how my body remembered it.  And you know full well that I am not promiscuous, so I'm not in the habit of taking up with any man who stays across my path. Anyway, with the high level of confidence I feel right now about my body and tight fanny, a nunnery is just about the best place for me.

Sex is love making and precious for me. I am not a nymphomaniac, my body just reacts to yours in a very loving way. I simply can't resist you hard as I try; it's chemistry and it feels beyond my control.  It's always been this way, which is hardly helpful for me.   And I do feel love for you, so now I feel like a right old loser really. Dear me, I'm not very clever in my choice of men am I.

And that's the truth of it. You're always ready to offer irritating advice, so what do you recon Mr?

Inert

I am sad and melancholy; I don't want to be this way; it makes me worry.

I told you that I worry about cyber space; I worry about time and where I am at with it.

Am I at the beginning, middle or end of time? Is my journey with you nearing it's end? I do hope so.

Why did you meet me again? I did not want this to happen. We were so much better apart. You have your life and I had mine.

I was dormant, inert. I did not worry. Time was simply a number, not a waiting game.

Now I simply worry.

For a while I thought happiness would form part of my life. My body so carved yours; my mind became deluded. I had quite forgot that happiness was not part of my story.

I am resigned to my fate; time will finish and nothing will matter. I shall be safe again in my dormant, inert state.

All my love xx

November Girl

My November girl is a special kind of girl. She says what's in her heart; she does not think and decide. She is trusting, she is loving, she is innocent, she is a child.

I warned her against being vulnerable, I said that you are not ready or willing to understand; but she would not listen. She is wilfully; headstrong. She is trusting. She had been put away for so long, she just wanted to come out and play and say what's on her mind.

She pestered me and pestered me, the way children do so, against my better judgement, I let her out to play. She become happy, animated; she couldn't contain her excitement, just like a child. I was happy for her, my beautiful, my special child.

But then came December, and cold wind blow from all directions. My child was naked, so she froze, caught a chill and died.

I grieve for my November baby; melancholy is in my heart.

The moral of the story is don't be too trusting; you are liable to die.

Feeling Reflective

Today I am feeling reflective.

You have told me before when we talk electronically that you did not want to get into deep and reflective conversations with me. You wanted to keep the past firmly in the past.  Good attitude; but for me you are not the past.

As I said before part of me belongs to you.  I don't say this to flatter your ego; I say it because it is fact for me.

You say I compartment my life, but it's really you who does that.

For me life is abstract; time is immaterial, it simply fixes who was with whom at a particular instant in their lives.

Intensity and depth of feeling is what stays in our souls; these feelings do not go away, the simply overwhelm us one day.  We then bury them deep inside us until we are ready to deal with them. 

Many come into our lives and evoke differing emotions in us.  These evoked emotions give us different prospectives on the emotions we felt before and cause us to react differently to feeling we had before and what we will feel in the future

They say that time heals; it doesn't you know, it just allows us to have different experiences in order that we may evolve and change prospective.

All my love xx

30 November 2012

Hope U are ok with this

Hi Honor

Are u ok? This chat getting a bit hectic and intense ( my fault partly Why partly, if you are going catholic go the whole hog).. Do u mind if we calm it down a bit ... I'm struggling to keep up. I hope U are ok with this

I hope things are alright over there and trip is as u had hoped.

loadsluvX

DearX

You are right. A combination of sun, warm weather, scant clothing and not having a structured life means I have too much time for unimportant chat.

It is intense, because passion is intense. What I write is not chat, it is how I really feel. I am sharing my feelings you with because I choose to and its my gift to you; you can accept this gift or rejected - your choice.  You are unwilling to trust me with yours and you don't feel the need to make me understand you. You share only your fantasies, not what's in your heart. You already said you didn't want to share that part of yourself with me and that's fine.

 

You are not sure what you want from me nor what you are willing to give me and that's fine too.

Each person is at a different crossroads in their life.

As I said before, our souls and our bodies belong to us only.  How we choose to share these two things is entirely up to each of us. Sharing shows a generous spirit and a willingness to grow; a fearlessness to discover the unknown self. Shame and guilt are man made, and in each social sphere this differs according to how another wants to control (you should know, you wrote an article about society). I am a social being and because of my conditioning, I am supposed to feel ashamed and guilty for feeling the way I do about you.  But I want to be open and vulnerable, and show you who I am; despite the time we spent together, you don't really know me.   How I feel about you, is a reflection of how I feel about myself. 

Having said that, we are not at liberty to deliberately hurt others who come into our lives, whether they be important to us or not; another does not perceive as I do. Each person must decide for themselves who is important to them and how an interaction will effect them, and come or part from the other because it is what is right for them to do.

You are an important  part of my life and I want to understand you. In understanding you and the feelings I have for you, I may begin to understand that part of me that belongs to you.

I am on a journey of self discovery and find that I am a complex and interesting being; this week has been a Thelma and Louise week for me (yours was the Brad Pitt part, so I don't think you have much to complain about there!).

I have learnt a few things this week;

• I have discovered that I don't really want to be a nun
• That I am intensely sensual
• That it is OK to have carnal and other feelings for you; I don't have to be ashamed or embarrassed
• That the physical relationship we ad together was very special and it binds me to you and that I am lucky to have had that in my life
  
• That intimacy is about sharing (something you instinctively know)
  
• That you don't feel the same way I do because you are not me
• That I am a free spirit with a unique view point 
• That I can be very heavy duty sometimes

I think I am glad that you came into my life again; it has caused me to be sad at times, but it's OK to be sad.  You have reminded me how to be woman again, and for that I am grateful maybe. I was angry about that before, but I'm not so angry any more.  I am Woman and I can not deny that part of myself so I may as well stop sticking my head in the sand and beating myself up about it.

I know that you are in grey London, you have to commute, work, consider what's in your life and deal with children. It all takes time and energy. What I don't understand is what being 'OK with this means' but whatever it means to you, its OK with me. 

We will 'be' whatever our souls allow. I cannot control or anticipate how you feel about me and any way,  I'm not about control. I can only respond and react as generously, kindly, honestly, spontaneously and as affectionately as I feel. I Don't do faults; that's for the morally superior.

I do hope we have fun together because fun has been been missing from my life and perhaps from yours too? 

Please don't mind my naughtiness and sense of humour, I don't mean any harm; what can I say, I can't help myself; I was born that way! 

All my love xx

Written on 17 November