Feeling Reflective

Today I am feeling reflective.

You have told me before when we talk electronically that you did not want to get into deep and reflective conversations with me. You wanted to keep the past firmly in the past.  Good attitude; but for me you are not the past.

As I said before part of me belongs to you.  I don't say this to flatter your ego; I say it because it is fact for me.

You say I compartment my life, but it's really you who does that.

For me life is abstract; time is immaterial, it simply fixes who was with whom at a particular instant in their lives.

Intensity and depth of feeling is what stays in our souls; these feelings do not go away, the simply overwhelm us one day.  We then bury them deep inside us until we are ready to deal with them. 

Many come into our lives and evoke differing emotions in us.  These evoked emotions give us different prospectives on the emotions we felt before and cause us to react differently to feeling we had before and what we will feel in the future

They say that time heals; it doesn't you know, it just allows us to have different experiences in order that we may evolve and change prospective.

All my love xx

30 November 2012

Hope U are ok with this

Hi Honor

Are u ok? This chat getting a bit hectic and intense ( my fault partly Why partly, if you are going catholic go the whole hog).. Do u mind if we calm it down a bit ... I'm struggling to keep up. I hope U are ok with this

I hope things are alright over there and trip is as u had hoped.

loadsluvX

DearX

You are right. A combination of sun, warm weather, scant clothing and not having a structured life means I have too much time for unimportant chat.

It is intense, because passion is intense. What I write is not chat, it is how I really feel. I am sharing my feelings you with because I choose to and its my gift to you; you can accept this gift or rejected - your choice.  You are unwilling to trust me with yours and you don't feel the need to make me understand you. You share only your fantasies, not what's in your heart. You already said you didn't want to share that part of yourself with me and that's fine.

 

You are not sure what you want from me nor what you are willing to give me and that's fine too.

Each person is at a different crossroads in their life.

As I said before, our souls and our bodies belong to us only.  How we choose to share these two things is entirely up to each of us. Sharing shows a generous spirit and a willingness to grow; a fearlessness to discover the unknown self. Shame and guilt are man made, and in each social sphere this differs according to how another wants to control (you should know, you wrote an article about society). I am a social being and because of my conditioning, I am supposed to feel ashamed and guilty for feeling the way I do about you.  But I want to be open and vulnerable, and show you who I am; despite the time we spent together, you don't really know me.   How I feel about you, is a reflection of how I feel about myself. 

Having said that, we are not at liberty to deliberately hurt others who come into our lives, whether they be important to us or not; another does not perceive as I do. Each person must decide for themselves who is important to them and how an interaction will effect them, and come or part from the other because it is what is right for them to do.

You are an important  part of my life and I want to understand you. In understanding you and the feelings I have for you, I may begin to understand that part of me that belongs to you.

I am on a journey of self discovery and find that I am a complex and interesting being; this week has been a Thelma and Louise week for me (yours was the Brad Pitt part, so I don't think you have much to complain about there!).

I have learnt a few things this week;

• I have discovered that I don't really want to be a nun
• That I am intensely sensual
• That it is OK to have carnal and other feelings for you; I don't have to be ashamed or embarrassed
• That the physical relationship we ad together was very special and it binds me to you and that I am lucky to have had that in my life
  
• That intimacy is about sharing (something you instinctively know)
  
• That you don't feel the same way I do because you are not me
• That I am a free spirit with a unique view point 
• That I can be very heavy duty sometimes

I think I am glad that you came into my life again; it has caused me to be sad at times, but it's OK to be sad.  You have reminded me how to be woman again, and for that I am grateful maybe. I was angry about that before, but I'm not so angry any more.  I am Woman and I can not deny that part of myself so I may as well stop sticking my head in the sand and beating myself up about it.

I know that you are in grey London, you have to commute, work, consider what's in your life and deal with children. It all takes time and energy. What I don't understand is what being 'OK with this means' but whatever it means to you, its OK with me. 

We will 'be' whatever our souls allow. I cannot control or anticipate how you feel about me and any way,  I'm not about control. I can only respond and react as generously, kindly, honestly, spontaneously and as affectionately as I feel. I Don't do faults; that's for the morally superior.

I do hope we have fun together because fun has been been missing from my life and perhaps from yours too? 

Please don't mind my naughtiness and sense of humour, I don't mean any harm; what can I say, I can't help myself; I was born that way! 

All my love xx

Written on 17 November

Genetic disease

I said I am optimistic and resilient.  Well that me is falling apart and disintegrating.

I am so sad and heart broken; I feel like a teen.  The water work are doing overtime.

I can not believe how stupid, irrational and totally embarrassing and idiotic I am.

Lust and a vague thought of imagined love have made me humiliate myself to the wanker I call ex. 

And they  say being woman is good. 

If my feelings for him had not surfaced, then I would not be in this position.  It is consuming all my thinking time and compromising any respect I have for myself. 

I met him again;  he is messing around with my head.  As if I needed another man to do this to me.  He is loves the attention; pretends to be noble about  faithfulness and all that crap. 

And I am unable to rationally see him for the wanker that he is.  Driving myself crazy thinking, was he messing  when we were?

I think I have scared him away; I doubt  I will hear from him again.  Smug little git that he is. 

Email is lethal for having rambling monologues with exes.

I want to become robot again, have no Internet so I do not humiliate myself again.  I keep promising myself  'I will be disciplined and dignified' but  fail miserably.

Nothing is simple in life.

Lots of change  and bravery is deserting me.   I am sad and upset about never having been loved by a man. 

Not a good week.  Can't believe what a pessimistic moaner I have become.  And the sadness is crushing my very soul.  Bummer.

Lots more moaning possible, but bored myself already.  Wish I could rub the imprint of that man out of my cells; he is like a genetic disease that has decided to manifest itself.

Pray for the old me to win the day.

All my love xx

Black, White, Red

You say she says you are black and white.

I say I am full of colour.

Shall I become grey to suit her description,

Or will you become technicolor?

She is right, she knows you well.

Me, I'm full of pain - and pain has all the colours, including the colour passion.

You say passion is good, but you can not know it because you are colour blind; you are black and white, you said she said so.

Being  WOMAN, I am colour; I know that passion is Red.

And now I am Red.

I am  RED.  I am ANGRY.

You see time as linear and you say that we were long ago; do you feel safe in your distance? 

You see yourself apart, but you are not, because a part of you belongs to me.  Is that part of me that belongs to you vital organ or is it limb?  I wonder.

I want that part that belongs amputated and cut away.  Like you I had thought it had died long, long, ago, but I was wrong; it only took one look and it lives again.

Will I die or will I live when you go? Will I become androgynous or will I stay woman, broken and open abuse?

Anyway you look at it, I am damaged goods.

All my love xx

Passion

Today I have decide that you do not belong in my life.

When we met on Wednesday you hinted that you wanted me in your life.  You also said that passion is important.  You said you were happily with another and you started to tell me her anecdotes.  You relaxed and said that a long time has passed since we were. 

You still do not know that I am woman, and woman can not share; time has no measure; numbers are arbitrary.

You show no passion for me, and you can not love her. 

You are prepared to be intimate with me.  You did not say it in so many words, but you kissed me on the lips when you said goodbye.

Did you sleep with others when we were?  I say that I am not jealous; I am woman and I lie to seem brave.

When we parted you said that you had to think and make decisions.

I am not a book that you read and then write one of your meaningless critiques on and make decisions about.  I AM WOMAN.  Anyway, I know that you do not know how to read woman; it's a hard book for you to understand.

So why lie and say that passion is important, or is it that I do not inspire it, so I am unimportant, never were and never will be?

It is just chemistry with you.  You will not be blame for making you do what you say you do not want to do. 

I hope I can stick to my decision, the decision I make with my head.  I do not want to be woman.  It's hurtful.

Ingrained

Dear ex

I have become quite depressed about our chance meeting.

Prior to that, I had hardy thought of you. 

Perhaps my relationship to you is entirely binding, like that of a father, mother or sibling.  No matter how uncomfortable or sad it makes me, and no matter how much I want it not to be in my life, it is a fact of me.  And no matter how long ago that it happened, you are ingrained in me on a cellular level.

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE INAPPROPRIATE.

THE MALAISE I FEEL IS BECOMING QUITE CRUSHING.

I must find an appropriate place for it.

All my love xx

Innocent bystander

What are you up to Mr Man?

I was perfectly fine, minding my own business and out of the blue, you started invading my dreams.  You came in the night and you were tender, gentle and sweet. I felt you; I touched you; I looked into your eyes.  You felt real but you were just a dream; you let me be in my waking time.

And then, not satisfied with being the shadowy  man from the past, you made yourself real.

I had become androgynous, happy and satisfied in my hermaphrodite state.  I was whole, self sufficient.  No part of me was missing; I was father, mother, friend and lover; I needed no one.  I was the nun I have always longed to be.

As well you know, my track record as WOMAN is littered with failure.  Meeting the real you demanded that I become woman again; sensual, vulnerable, needy; all the hurtful things I never want to be.  I am angry about that.

I can not remember the past with my head as you do; it is my body that remembers; every cell resonates with the intense sexuality that is you; a sexuality  that I was sure the menopausal me would never, ever have to long for again. And that, as you may eloquently put it, is not nice, nor lady like.

Dam you, why did you have to do this to me?  Is it your revenge because I left?   Or are you are simply the innocent bystander in all of this, with a life and body that bears no relation to who or what I am. 

Why do I feel compelled to make you see who I am?  Is it because I am woman again and this makes me irrational. 

Please do not judge me; it's simply the way I feel.


All my love xx