The real goodbye

Happy Birthday

Today is the last day in which I shall contact you, and then I will becomes as unknown to you as I have been for the last 20 years. When we met, almost a year ago now, you were superficial and you said how glad you were to see me and how now that you found me you would never lose me again. And maybe in your home counties ways you believed what you said at the time and perhaps you really wanted to known me in a superficial and meaningless way. Or maybe you were being polite cause you were caught unawares and that's what home counties boys do, they say what they don't mean. You were so grateful to me for giving your career a jump start blah blah blah . For fuck sake, I was your lover, not the patron saint of careers...

Maybe when you remembered me better you got angry with me or maybe I scare you; maybe I bore you, or maybe you think I'm sad. Or maybe you just wonder whatever did I see in that old bag. Maybe your life is just fine because of who you have in it and maybe you just want me to fuck off and you don't need the agro in your life..

Who knows what another is, what another thinks, what another feels; what their sadness is what their happiness is, what fills their waking time.

To be honest, my whole being simply over reacted at seeing you that day. It fair did my head in and took me to places where no one my age should have to go. Still, as hard as we try, we simply can't help how we feel sometimes. Was I with the right man at the wrong time? My neck hurts form having looked back so much this past year.

And what the fuck am I talking about anyway, I was the bitch who left in the first place; but it didn't take you long for you to get over your broken heart. 6 weeks max? What does it matter anyway, it was, long, long ago, so why are my feelings so raw now? This is getting boring and it really isn't your problem anyway.

So what to do now?

Well I think I might just become a guru. I'll go out there into the world and do my guruing here, there and everywhere. I can do my guruing in blogging cyberspace to my hearts content and no one can stop me in my anonymity. I can be as obscure and as unknown as I want.

Do you think there is a parallel universe where a body meets a body and the souls of the bodies know that the body is the right body and it all happens at the right time? Utopia is far fetched, but who knows, anything is possible.

So I bath you in universal light and love (cause that's what wise, anonymous, impersonal, worldly gurus do) and wish you what you wish for yourself; and if my memory serves me right, is it celebrity and fame? xx

Honor Sterling

www.honorsgrain.blogspot.co.uk

05 April 2012

Post on 30^th November 2012
Remember, remember 25^th November?

This accelerated blog has been possible through future time progression. I can't hang about waiting for you to remember me....

RIDICULOUS, RIDICULOUS, RIDICULOUS

It is simply ridiculous. I have become obsessed. He is vibrating through every cell in my body.

I have had every emotion it is possible to have; anger, longing the ridiculing of him. I hate all of this.

Fuck off and leave me alone. Leave my dreams alone; leave my waking time alone. I left you because you were possessed; and now I am obsessed by you.

All I want to care about is my exercise routine, my facials, my massages, my empire building. I want to be desensitized, disinterested. I hate feeling. I have had enough of feeling.

I want to breeze through the future whole and self sufficient. I want to be totally absorbed and introverted. What need of the world if the world is inside my being. 

4th January 2012 

Motion

I walk and think, think and walk.  My feelings for him are so eloquently expressed in my head; the words come easily, the feelings intense. 

It's as if  I have to be in motion to express these feelings.  Like the motion that bound our bodies together.

I left  him; is that why I am so upset?  He is not a man who can survive without a left hand, be it his or another's. And men are such fragile insecure creatures; I was mixed up and did not realise.

The man I left him for turned out to be mad; the one that made him jealous, well I don't even want to go there.

You'd think I would have lost a few pounds with all this 'motion', but no, I'm still fat.

 Life is a bitch!

HOT FLUSH

Yesterday I apparated a man from my past. In my mind I was unsure about bringing this coincidence into my life. It has worried me for a long time so I kept putting it off. I was worried about how I would feel, how he would feel, and the implication and the fall out from these feelings. We are not what we were, no longer an individual; time has made each of us into a multiple. We both had lives apart which produced others; wive, husband child. But my longing for the physical him became urgent. In spit of my better judgement and common sense, I brought him back into my life by consciously and subconsciously materialising him.

If I am being honest I did this once before. I had brought him to me, but at that time I did not dare to feel, so I walked away. He does not know about this.

His physical being, his short hair, his height, even his small feet made me quiver(and yes, what they say about small feet is true). All the sexual intensity I thought I could no longer feel came back in waves and floods and hit me hard. This time I had a split second to make the decision. So I made him aware.

His beautiful voice, his boyish enthusiasm made me want to make passionate love to him right there and then; in John Lewis' cookware department! How can this be?

The middle aged menopausal me was suppose to transcend these girlish primeval feelings. They are feelings for the past, not the now, not the future. My heart is heavy. This does not bode well.

This body, which I did not appreciate in its youth,can surely no longer support sexual encounters. It has withered and grown old. Why then do the feelings return? Should they not have became fat and flabby like my thighs and tummy? The soul will not tolerate the unbearable tension.

Clearly, being a fledgling master of apparition is not a gift; it is a curse. When will I master the physical dissipation of others? The emotional burden will then lighten and I will become 'Goddess'.

The Buddhist say that you create to learn, but I am truly weary of learning. I just want childish love to fill my heart. I want it unconditional and ethereal. Will it ever come into my life? I have such little expectation, yet I fear that even those low expectations will never be fulfilled by MAN. I am sad.

I have now clarified to myself how dangerous (real and imagined) MAN APPARATED can be to my being.

Keep it real girl; he remembers you when he eats Chinese with his wife and children. He has forgotten how amazing you are, how delicately balance you are, that you are the lace maker. You are, quite rightly, just a culinary memory. You are no longer his life. I want to cry and laugh at this ridiculous parody of the physical and spiritual.

My advice to me is get real and move on and stop the longing..................Its the wise thing to do.

19 October 2011

Optimism

It's spring time and I should be optimistic. 

For a naturally optimistic person I am feeling sad and a little down trodden. I try to be upbeat but can't.  It's not that I am depressed, it's just that I don't know where all this is going.

The THIS is my life. I've been in it, I've looked at it from different angles, up, down, sideways and I just don't get it (and I'm still fat!).

I have decided that I really must be the guru of my life as I know more about it than anyone else does. To be quite honest, my life is not that interesting and in fact, I would go as far as to say that it is truly soporific. And although I know that I am the guru of my life, I go to soothsayers who purport to be gurus of life in general, and, while I pay them, mine in particular.

They see good thing around me, wonderful endings to my future.  I know that this only said to make me feel better and in my heart of hearts I know that it is pure conjecture and very unlikely to be true.  There is a knowing in my heart and it says that the end will be dull,sad and disappointing. 

But I am an optimist and a very tiny little part of me is not so sure that the ending will not be a happy one after all. xx

Frustration

Life is like a loop; it goes round and round, never ending.

I once wanted a man very desperately in my life. And then I wanted him out of it. I never loved him enough when he was there and could never bring myself to utter words of love to him. 

Then I did not see him for a long time and out of nowhere he started to invade my dreams. He came in and out of my consciousness so casually and with such easy that bit by bit he took over my every waking hour.

I became shy, then angry, understanding and then totally unreasonable with him, and all this happened in my head.

The loop goes round and round. xx

Gorgeous

I have decided to work on becoming utterly gorgeous this year. This decision come about as I have time on my hand. Middle age is fast approaching and it's not looking good!

Initially, I found machines to lift sagging faces, exercise classes that promise a six pack and a pert bottom,  clubs where you confess all the sins committed in the coffee shops resturants and late nigh snacking at the fridge and get redemsion. I embraced them all with gusto

All went smoothly until the children had yet another holiday and I decided to get tough with the mess in the house. There was also the W word and yes, I mean 'work' which I had wilfully neglected in my quest for gorgeousness.

You can image that after the initially promise of gorgeousness, the reward for the time put in to achieve that elusive goal that I hardly got anywhere.

So now I wonder whether I shall ever be gorgeous again. I really sympathise with you Angelina Jolie!

In my next post I shall come up with more excuses for my ample figure. xx