Mind Reader

People come our lives for a reason. You came into my to remind me that my feelings matter; you lose those who you love if you don't make them know about your feeling. How?  Resentment and anger builds up inside you because you think the other person doesn't care about you, when simply they misunderstood or didn't notice how you felt.  It's a break down of communication; and it builds up and builds up until you feel resentful and hard done by.

When I kept texting, I thought I was being kind and supportive, not intense and intrusive.  It hurt my feelings when you blocked me from Whatsapp, it still hurts me now. I felt like a little girl who got punished for being naughty, but she didn't  quite understand how she was being naughty when she thought she was being kind.  It would have been kinder to tell me to cool it, because you got freaked out. You did that last time you got overwhelmed by me and that made me feel that you could trust me to be sensitive to feelings; it gave me power; I could show you my support, which I want to do, in a way that was appropriate to how you felt.

Neither of us are mind readers and neither of us wants to hurt, upset or belittle the other. Our feelings are exclusive to us and we must express them when we need to, otherwise they make us angry, frustrated and sad.

You are in a bad place and you feel harassed and angry.  As I say, you are not selfish, so stop calling yourself that.  You are kind, loving and generous.  You are just insensitive at times.  Women expect men to be mind readers, but they are not, so they get upset when men do not read their minds..

Our relationship broke down because you are not a mind reader and I did not let you know how I felt.

I guess I came into your life at this critical time to support you, as I like to do, and more importantly to make you aware that although you are a lovely, loving man, you are oblivious to others feelings at sometimes.  It's not because you are selfish, it's because you are not a mind reader.  

I just wanted you to know that.  It's part of my story.

All my love XOX

Optimistic

Little Friend I feel terribly optimistic today.  My optimism stems from the fact that I understand your anger is not with me, but with yourself.  But anger subsides.  Hopefully you will not feel angry with yourself or me for too long.  We are both very special people, so we should not be angry with ourselves or one another.  Sad maybe; but not angry. It has clarified a lot for me.  We all perceive a situation from a different vantage point.  You were angry because you felt a sense of obligation to me and a frustration that the woman you no longer loved was HARASSING you by, as you perceive it, putting pressure on your time and emotions. Your sense of obligation comes from the way you were brought up, which is lovely and old fashioned.  You want to feel a sense of control, and I was taking that away from you. I am assuming that how you perceive it. Of course your anger is not only to do with feeling harassed by me; it has to also do with the sense of loss, helplessness and other things you feel, which are private to you and her.  Again, I assume that how it is, I can't really know how true this is. Things seem bleak, but as you told me before, nothing lasts for ever and you are pretty good at recovering.  Mind, it gets harder the older we get. Me, I fancied myself as an Oriental Alister Cook and Marjorie Proops rolled into one.  I told you I wanted to write a book; it's about me and those who have touched my soul.  My emails to you are part of my story, but you stopped reading these.  Every writer wants an audience, no matter how small the audience is.  It makes them gauge the reaction they have from others with a different point of view. I have time on my hand.  I have been silent for a long time.  I needed to express myself. I needed to record my expression. Having an audience helps validate me, my thoughts and my feelings. It's time for me to be me again; time to be heard. I thought you wanted to hear. Incessant texting is part of the Oriental psyche. Foreigners compliant about it.  It isn't unusual for me to receive a few texts form the same people everyday.  Its the way we make people know we think of them, without giving them time pressure, and I've come to this part of the world to find my inner Native.  Text can be read at leisure.  It can be deleted, it can be saved and treasure afterwards. I texted because I felt it made you feel special and I had time to do so.  You are, in many ways, childlike and love attention; it is very endearing.  I guess that plan back fired; instead of feeling cared for, you felt harassed.  I did not expect replies from you; I was just being radio 4 morning programme, giving you 'thought for the day'.  But you are in no mood for radio 4 right now; you need to deal with everyday life, you need to deal with your emotions. Perception is such a funny thing. When we met for the first time after 20 years a myriad of feeling came up for me. I expressed them by blogging them.  I have a small fan base!  But then we started to writing, and that became more interesting than blogging.  Writing helps me define my feelings, it also reminds me of how I felt in a certain time in my life. There is a little children's book about a penguin and a boy by Polly Dunbar; you might know it.  The penguin says nothing and the boy feels frustrated with him.  Then something critical happens and then penguin says everything.  And then the boy is surprised by him.  I really know how that penguin feels. I never know though which penguin the boy liked best; quite penguin or talkative penguin. A huge dam has burst inside me.  You made the first hit with your body. It is not easy keeping everything in when such a powerful force hits you.  It fucking knocked me sideways.  I am working my way through the flood damage though.  I hope I will come out the other side whole and wiser; as I say, I'm hoping for enlightenment.  You know, the menopausal Guru and all that!  The marvelous thing is I have found my sexuality.  Blimey Pete, I can't stop wanking. I understand why you do it now. Nothing in life is permanent.  There is an ebb and a flow. We are born, we grow and then we die.  It is a cycle.Each person has their own cycle. People come in and out of our lives; they leave an impression, they create an experience. Perhaps we will create new experiences together.  I love fucking you.  I do so hope we will do that again.  It is important be kind and respect one another's feelings.  When we feel something we should express it. Otherwise  it may hurt us and make us angry when it could be simply that we misunderstood the other. No two ways about it, men and women see things differently, hear things differently.  Thank god for that, otherwise it will be either constant bitching and bickering or non stop thoughtlessness. I aspire to be understood and loved.  Not loved in a way that makes others feel obliged to be with me, but in a way that makes others glad of me.  I want this from my children, I want this from my siblings, I want this from all that come into my life. And when I say love, I don't mean simply romantic love.  I mean love in it's universal meaning, in it's Buddhist meaning. I feel a bond with you. I want to sleep with you. If you or I becomes a pain in the arse, as we both can be, then we should let the other know.  It hurt me that you put a block on me; kinder and less hurtful to tell me you cannot cope with me at present.  I know, I am a sensitive little flower. I hope we have lots of sex together .  We do sex well together, at least I think so; I am still insecure about that though.  As I said, making love with you is one of the most rewarding experience I've had in my life.  You express your affection so beautiful with your body. My bod loves your bod Mr Friend.  I don't want to be friends with you like Tom is.  I don't want to be friends with you like Dick is.  I want to be friends with you in a Me sort of way.... I want to sleep you; you are my fantasy. So when you are up for it , and I hope you will want to, don't invite me to lunch, invite me to a dance or invite me for a dirty weekend, or better still, invite me for both. Who knows, I might even be able to make you laugh!  I don't think you've laughed in a long time and I fancy my self as a bit of a comedian.  And if my sense of humour fails to amuse you, I can always tickle your balls,: I know you love that. As always, with love.  You are special for me; celebrate your specialness with me, don't deny.

Stupid cow

Dear Mr Man

Please press delete.

I have been going over your emails / texts and thinking of the time we spent together.

I have been totally out of order and unfair to you. You have warned me, treated me in away that should have left me in no doubt about how you felt about me, yet I choose to ignore all this and have relentlessly persuade you.

And I fancy myself clever!

You are living in the here and now and I am, well I don't know where the fuck I am.

I left for a reason, but that was a long time ago. You say you loved me, but heck it only took you max 4 months to get over me. So really, you couldn't have care that much.

I try, through out my life to treat everyone with love and respect. When I decided to end my relationship with you I gave you shelter and support. I always give my time, love and support to those in my life, but I am afraid that no one think I deserve any consideration or real love.

While we were together you never took time to understand how I felt about life; relentlessly you imposed your ambition on me. I do not want to be famous, I am a private person; yet your desire for fame out weighed your consideration for me. You have never acknowledged me in a professional capacity; I began to think that I had I had little to do with my mums house. Going through her things I found that I had quite a lot to do with it. But who the fuck cares, its only a bloody house.

I fear that I will never be care for. My natural optimism deserts me. I disrepair and my sadness is deeply felt.

Undoubtedly there is unquestionable physical attraction between us, something that neither can help. Making love with you is one the best things I have ever done in my life and I am truly sad and upset that I can not have your physical love always in my life.  I yearn for it. But I doubt you will want to sleep with me again. You seem resolutely unwilling to take my feelings into consideration and my feelings matter.

I fuck with my body and mind.

I am sorry that your life with Her did not work out. You must love her very much and she is a lucky person. I genuinely grieve for you, your children and her. But I also grieve for myself and feel sad that my life with anybody will never work out. Try hard as I can, no one whats to acknowledge my specialness. And I know that I am an extra ordinary human being.

I feel a great deal of affection and love for you. I love your body, I love your physical affection, but I cannot handle your indifference to me and your insistence that you hurt, life and feelings are much more important than mine. Not at all guruish I'm afraid.

You confused me and you humiliated me when I was in with you; not kind, but hay I took it like a man. I fucking hate John Lewis. I am determined to become dormant again. You are safe Mr Man

All my energies will go into my business interests. I suspect I shall be much better off being a millionairess than being love or staying optimistic about that.

Please press delete on all that I decided to share with you. You had a part of my soul which you really did not want in any case, so pressing delete will be an act of kindness to a stupid, dumb animal.

Fuck me if ever I open up to anyone again or show vulnerability, than I will be the biggest stupid cow in the whole universe. Deepak Chopra is full of crap, and the rose coloured glasses are coming off.

Life has not been kind to me; I doubt things will change. Poor fucking little me.

Not a fucking Guru after all.

Still, no mileage in unkindness, so all my love.

Extremely distressed and vulnerable Me.

Love Making Guru

Little Man

I begin to understand why our paths crossed again.

Despite having lived together for eight years and apart for twenty, neither of us has realized fully or learnt why we were and how we are now.

We do not always meet the right person at the right time.  We often meet the right person but at the wrong time and visa verse.

I now believe you when you say I meant the world to you. I did not understand you before.  I think I now do. What I said in the last email was just ego talk; as I am trying to become a Guru, I must learn to over come feelings of hurt.

My love for you stems from the very fact that you are childlike, and like a child you live in the moment.  And like a child you need to be touched, praised and reassured; you need safety and security to be who you are. Your enthusiasm is infectious; you are tactile and affectionate and that is how you display your love. Like a child, you love when you need to be loved and are oblivious when you are focused on what you want to achieve.  Like a child, your focus is totally; you exclude and live in the moment.  I understand that in order to excel, one needs total focus; Architecture is your passion and focus; it is important to you; it did not mean that you did not love simply because you had ambition.

My guess is that you loved me because I made you feel safe and secure; that gave you time and energy to focus on what you wanted to achieve.  Like a mother (and I don't mean this in a patronizing way, because I have been MOTHER to countless people in my life, including my own mother, who was an unruly child) I loved you, praised you, pampered to your whims and wishes and made you feel that you were the center of my world.

But at that time, while I had maturity beyond my years, my emotional maturity had not caught up with my capacity to love unconditionally, which is how everyone will love eventually.  I felt neglected and unloved. 

So when a another crossed my path I mistook possessiveness for deep caring; I did not realize that those who want to posses lack self esteem and want to posses the very thing they lack, that they cannot possibly love.

So I left because I did not understand how you cared.  You felt betrayed because the very person whom you thought would be there for you forever abandoned you.

We both went in search for what we thought the other lacked.  We neither of us understood that the lack was not in the other, but in ourselves.  So we went and searched; this is how we grow, evolve and understand.

What I have learnt is that I need the physical affection of a man because I am woman and I have a body. That I have yet to learn to love unconditionally because I am still hurt by how I perceive others love me.That being vulnerable is OK even if others can not cope with it; those who can, will help me with my journey; those who can not will make me understand myself better.

That being WOMAN means loving unconditionally, and that unconditional love must include loving me.

Mr Man, you are my  MAN CHILD and lovemaking Guru and teacher. Will you love my body and stay my lover and teacher while you are able to and before you meet another?  Making love with you is the most right thing that my body has ever done with another body; it always has been and it always will be. My body loves your body; I know because my body is less shy of you than it is shy of me. It loves being touched by you, caressed by you.  It loves being next to you, spending the night with you.

In return, I will try and love you unconditionally; not in a way that gets hurt by your childlike ways; not in the way that is possessive or demanding, but in a way that WOMAN loves. I will celebrates the very childlike qualities that you bring into my life.  I will let you 'be' when you do not want to be bothered; I will be your saint. I will support you when you need support, even while I am in an emotionally difficult place myself. I can do that, because I am very resilient and I am truly woman, and it is great for me realize that.

Knowing that I can have you as my lover, teacher and lovemaking Guru will help me through the difficult times ahead.

All my love, truly XOX

It's Important To Be Honest

You said it is important to be honest.  Here are some of the feelings I had during the month I was in London.  So here goes.

You said it was good for your confidence to know that I found you irresistible and an amazing lover.  You did not feel that it was important for you to do the same for me, not even for nostalgia's sake; you turn up late, drunk and really not that bothered at all.  Great confidence booster for a girl who is shy and sensitive about her sexuality.

And then you say I made myself feel insecure. 

Would you feel confidence in yourself as a lover if I had deliberately let slip that I had turned down your offer for a night of passion so that I can meet a new man 'cause he might be better at giving head?  Is this your way of keeping the sex casual and relaxed by undermining my confidence as a woman?

Mindful and caring?  In your thoughts?   I'd say unnecessarily hurtful. But as I said before you can be an insensitive git.

Do I believe you when you say I'd meant the world to you? Hardly.

I simple don't know what to do about you Mr Man. Bummer really 'cause for me, the sex is special and good beyond belief and exactly how my body remembered it.  And you know full well that I am not promiscuous, so I'm not in the habit of taking up with any man who stays across my path. Anyway, with the high level of confidence I feel right now about my body and tight fanny, a nunnery is just about the best place for me.

Sex is love making and precious for me. I am not a nymphomaniac, my body just reacts to yours in a very loving way. I simply can't resist you hard as I try; it's chemistry and it feels beyond my control.  It's always been this way, which is hardly helpful for me.   And I do feel love for you, so now I feel like a right old loser really. Dear me, I'm not very clever in my choice of men am I.

And that's the truth of it. You're always ready to offer irritating advice, so what do you recon Mr?

Inert

I am sad and melancholy; I don't want to be this way; it makes me worry.

I told you that I worry about cyber space; I worry about time and where I am at with it.

Am I at the beginning, middle or end of time? Is my journey with you nearing it's end? I do hope so.

Why did you meet me again? I did not want this to happen. We were so much better apart. You have your life and I had mine.

I was dormant, inert. I did not worry. Time was simply a number, not a waiting game.

Now I simply worry.

For a while I thought happiness would form part of my life. My body so carved yours; my mind became deluded. I had quite forgot that happiness was not part of my story.

I am resigned to my fate; time will finish and nothing will matter. I shall be safe again in my dormant, inert state.

All my love xx

November Girl

My November girl is a special kind of girl. She says what's in her heart; she does not think and decide. She is trusting, she is loving, she is innocent, she is a child.

I warned her against being vulnerable, I said that you are not ready or willing to understand; but she would not listen. She is wilfully; headstrong. She is trusting. She had been put away for so long, she just wanted to come out and play and say what's on her mind.

She pestered me and pestered me, the way children do so, against my better judgement, I let her out to play. She become happy, animated; she couldn't contain her excitement, just like a child. I was happy for her, my beautiful, my special child.

But then came December, and cold wind blow from all directions. My child was naked, so she froze, caught a chill and died.

I grieve for my November baby; melancholy is in my heart.

The moral of the story is don't be too trusting; you are liable to die.